_behind the scenes_
zhi xu.
30/10/89
likes: purple!
gymnast(:
chinese dancer
_archives_
- July 2006
- August 2006
- September 2006
- October 2006
- November 2006
- December 2006
- January 2007
- February 2007
- March 2007
- April 2007
- May 2007
- June 2007
- July 2007
- August 2007
- September 2007
- October 2007
- November 2007
- December 2007
- January 2008
- February 2008
_frens_
8+1!! | abbY* | alison
whiny aster | belle* | chermaine
chianyeh | class | cheryl y | evelyn
jing xuan | mandre | su(mar)wan | nikki
ramona | pamela maria loo jing ling
rach wong | raisin | suelynn | wenhao
yamz! | yihui(: | yiwei
zhunian!
_wishlist_
black clubs! | tie dyed ribbon
new wallet | black hoop
sasaki ball!!
_tagboard_
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Had a four hour long exco meeting today. From 1-5pm.One conclusion: We are the best exco ever!
Haha, forgive me for being so egoistic. But I really think so. And I think the whole exco thinks so too. Haha, we repeated that point a lot of times today i think... So thickskinned. haha, but. There, Pam, you can quote me now :D
Haha, and our batch of dancers are also the best best bestest ever :D I never feel so close to like such a big group of cca mates before... Partly because gym has always been a small cca. But feels cool... Today's j2 prac was some bonding session as well. Haha :D
Haha. And Pammie baked MUFFINS today :D Saturday dance pracs are always wonderful when there are muffins to look forward too!! :D But the stipulated 15 times before "muffin break" wasn't reached. More like we did 5 times? But today's dance prac was effective. It looks so much better than the first time we did today :) And we are more prepared for preview already :)
Yepsyeps. But I think I was rather fierce today. Not fierce actually but rather loud. Cos the interacters were right beside us with some camp stuff or something like that. So couldn't really hear when we speak so I had to SHOUT. Oh and I think i stressed quite some of the dancers cos after prac I was greeted with a lot of "zhixu, am i ok now?" "zhixu, are my actions fine?" haha. That's GOOD :D Should start feeling jing zhang for this dance kaes... So far kept feeling like I had to keep pushing people to work hard :S
No more PE for all SYF chinese dancers from next week onwards :D Was looking forward to the free break to sleep or rest or something. BUT. I must have been foolish to think that I would actually be able to rest. Erps. More like. I scheduling all the drilling sessions during my PE slots... So no more free time. And more dance time. Haha.
Omy. Im sure we are going to have class essay assignment on thursday. And we are allowed to prepare? So that means only zhixu will do badly because I will have no time to prepare at all!!! And the day after preview is always a dead day... Yucks. Like confirm die one... LOL.
FOOTLOOSE is up and coming!! But first... SYF. 17 more days. STRESS.
But as I said above. We can do this :D Yay...
In a much better mood now because treasury seems to have some hope. With some luck dance night won't run a budget deficit and with even more luck chinese dance will not have a deficit too. WITH A LOT OF LUCK ACTUALLY. I some how think dancers will have to pay for stuff themselves :S Yucks... Why I liddat :S
Haha. And next time we have exco meeting we should choose somewhere more secluded than canteen. Cos we talk rather loudly and there went our confidential [Haha, I quote pam saying "eh this is confidential..." very loudly XD] meeting :P And must emphasise that the canteen very stuffy so very icky :P But like so fun bonding session just talk talk talk :D:D
Can't wait for some stuff to happen now. But for at this moment. I must fill up the copyright form, do treasury proposal and research on globalisation of communications before i sleep. Jiayou me :)
c0mments
Friday, March 30, 2007
Omg I just scolded for spending too much time on dance. Which is kind of true but seriously. There's so much more to do how do you want me to stop spending time on it?? :'(Arghs. SYF is in a disgusting state. I really wonder how we are going to put it into shape? Bah!!!
Really a lot a lot of work to do this weekend. And after pt, j2 dance tomorrow i just got told today that there will also be exco meeting. There goes a few more hours... And getting conned to go for chian yeh's concernt. Ahhhhh... Stress...
I need to buck up now.
c0mments
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I'm reply my sister's email now. Even as I chat with her online. Haha so weird :P But me and aster are a worse case XD Like sent each other snail mail even when we meet up every morning?? Haha :PSuper tired today. Really going to die and collaspe somewhere that sort of tired... I think if you just left me alone for 5 mins I could just knock off to sleep :S Somemore like kept asking the people around me why they never wake me up during the 3 hour break before H3 math. [When I was chionging chapters 1-4 :S] Although I totally ignored zhui's pokes during physics lecture... hehe :P TIRED LARH. PAISEH... And today is my sleep early day and I have work to do :S ughs...
Laoshi is kinda getting impatient and so she stressed a lot of people about j1 dance yesterday... Seriously, she was just very worried and a bit upset but she's really really nice and totally not unreasonable so we shouldn't be stressed and worried about her being angry. Just try your hardest and she really understands... Just very scared and worried about the j1s who seem super stressed yesterdae... Haiz.... Dance is becoming a very stressful place for them i think. :S
About laoshi being nice. She's really super nice larh :D Especially for the part in the dance when I have to do left-legged moves with left-leggers :S Haha...
But stress... I have sooo no idea why laoshi put me in charge of ti2 chen2 during warm ups because ti chen is really very important I kind of think it's the most most important exercise and we must do it correctly and Im scared that I won't be able to help and correct people... Ahhhhhh :'( I don't want to disappoint her yucks :S
H3 math. Came back after super long long day yesterdae. [Where I miraculously did not cry during pe and dance especially pe cos I had a headache and she wouldn't let me stop running grrrrr... and dance cos of the scolding :S] Then I wanted to study h3 math for today's test... So I took out my notes. And started reading. I reached chapter 6 ok!!! How pro... But I started from the back. Like chapter 7? :S Then slept outside at the table so just gave up and went to sleep :S Came to school and was waiting for aster to come and windy benches and was reading chapter 5 notes. And i slept again. And haiz tired tired tired... So tempted to pon school tmr :S
Ok off to do somework read econs homework send people various music and wait for tmr to dawn. I'm still alive and fighting. :D
Little Superhero Girl
-- Corrine May
I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wild world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to run
I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore
And imagine how i'll make the world a better place
All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero
Na-na-na-na...
If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool
I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
Sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark but don't bite
All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero
Na-na-na-na...
Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me
Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me from myself
I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
c0mments
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
What's wrong with me seems like after i broke my resolve i really cannot keep it up anymore.It feels like just pretence. This over whelming cheerfulness... I really cannot take it already. Somehow feel like just giving up. And the break down and cry four times in one night did nothing to help relieve this overwhelming feeling inside me. I'm typing here and my tears are already starting to flow. Damn it.
c0mments
Was very disappointed with someone else today also. Sometimes, it's a matter of respect. And this respect for other people matter a lot to me. Let's say I really don't care about my worksheets. And they have really come back to me in a mess. But at least respect my time. Respect that lending my things to you is you asking a favour from me so you should try to do your best to keep to your side of the bargain. Respect the fact that if I actually borrowed something from you I would have taken good care of it and returned on time. NOT 4 days late and that with me having to ask for it back and getting a "why are you so irritated?" in reply. And yes I DO know that you didn't do your best to get the stuff back to me. Seriously... And I do have so much time I can still study tomorrow night. Of course, after having PE, dance and gym and having to settle dance stuff at night too. Please don't test my patience....
I'm getting short tempered and really really close of breaking point these few days so :S
Everything is getting screwed :S Treasury treasury treasury :'(
Really bad headache the whole today. And yesterday. Dropping my head backwards makes me feel faint. Then had to do walkovers somemore. And super achy today. And tired. I feel really guilty last night about not touching any of my work at all and just resigning and going back off to sleep... And a lot of things to do today. But i simply have no time. And I fell asleep in all my lectures. It's no more a matter of choice today. And that's why I'm rather pissed that I have to wait around for people :S
Dance for 10 minutes today wasn't 10 mins. Partly because both Ivy and I were late. Had to chiong down from H3 math was so kan chiong when mr tan took his time and couldnt answer the stoopid simple question :S
Keep twisting out of walkovers now :'( This is screwed. And i have friction burn on my arm from "flying" on Ivy :S
Arghs i shall go and dwell in my misery while being pissed larh :S
c0mments
Monday, March 26, 2007
I just received mail!!! Smile smile smile. Will try to reply tonight though i'm supposed to do my chem and math tutorials.I love laoshi for being so reasonable. Wheee... Makes things so much easier for me. Though I think it will still end up quite bad. At least there is SOME hope. :S
Got back econs essay today. Quite surprising lah. Seriously. But. Case study was the killer I wonder what's going to happen :( If not I can only say "so near yet so far" :S
I think I sleep for about 1-2 hours last night. Somemore it was the drift in and out of sleep kind of sleep. Which was horrendous. I just gave up at 5am and waited for my mum to come and wake me up. And it was POURING. Left the house early [haven't rained yet] so that I could reach school to do dance publicity board with xinying. BUT. Got jammed for like 10 mins outside RGS. Jam coming out of RGS. Jam another 20 minutes just outside the school. Like the WHOLE road jam. So i reached school at like 7.15. Which is even later than normal larh :S
And LOL. I realised what dislodged meant. :S The whole green board came out of the silver frame. And our boards were lost :( So had to write again during break and put up a hastily prepared and ugly board. But. I think no more tickets available. So haha put up also got no use?
Oh and that resulted in my eating like toast for lunch. And when dance ended today, the canteen stall was closed?? So no dinner as well... Just drank coffee and went for training liaos. And I was already 1.5 hours late :S
So scary when I saw the gym attendance sheet. Like OOOOOEE. The EEs were CTs and the Os were once for preview and the rest for my MC. Like phew. If not I jian chi go so much for gym then cannot even meet the attendance. Will miss somemore for like the day before SYF and for 2nd preview. Which is next wed. How screwed :(
J2 dance is in some sort of mess I'm getting really stressed. And sometimes when people don't treasure the 1hrs we have to brush up and get something presentable ready it's really :S
But I managed to keep my promise. I smiled and I'm still smiling.
So now it's a matter of doing it everyday. :D I believe I can.
I think I really need a councilor to help me with this major-not so major actually decision I have to make. I really need to decided whether I should train. Some people are so against me that I feel very :'( But like as the coach said, if you have the passion for this you really should train hard yourself. But does my passion stand up to tests and trails? I don't know. I really need to see whether I'm coping with my schoolwork right now.
Oh and when the coach asked whether we needed help, we said: "help us jian fei". Apparently last time when I wasn't there he said something about us being too fat. But today he scared we take him seriously and really lose weight?? Cos like he insisted that we not fat. Like LOL. So obvious, please. But I seriously need to lose weight larh :S
Omg this is such a bimbotic blog. Haha...
Some philosophical and convoluted thoughts which I think I shan't share :S
I think blogs are scary in that you never know who reads... Except for those whom I know read or like those who tag. Arghs :S
c0mments
c0mments
Sunday, March 25, 2007
This is my first attempt at really arranging my own blog. Okies. Let's hope it actually looks nice... Comments anyone?? :(Ahhhh... Im sure tired :S Had a really terrible headache the whole day :S
I'm so going to die for H3 math because I gave up halfway.
So a rotten start to the new term. [Not very new but new go-to-school term]. BOOHOOO...
I so don't look forward to tomorrow.
The distinct feel sick-ness is coming back. And my knee hurts. And many things are worrying me.
But my resolve. I'm still going to keep it :) Go me!!
6/7 the economists for me to read. Off i shall go now!
c0mments
So org chem revision anyone? This was what I went to do on tuesday. When I was feeling rather slack. HAHA. WHY ON EARTH DID I WASTE MY TIME DOING THAT? WHEN I ALREADY HAD ONE FROM LAST YEAR... Haha. But writing such all over the paper with pretty purple pens was quite fun :P Although I must say that it wasn't very useful after all...
Oh yarh and F=qq/4(pi)(enought)r^2 wasn't helpful at all. HAHA.
After a bit of slack that I got from CTs. And yes CTs was really slack-ful compared to what I usually have to do. Like slept sooo much every night and slack somemore when I study because yes, I keep falling asleep :P Dance night is up and coming and there are suddenly A LOT of due dates :S
UGHS. MORE TREASURY PROPOSALS. Yucks...
Anyway. Even though I was sooo busy. I went to waste my time last night BAKING. Yes. Haha and who though zhixu couldn't bake at all?? And it was quite depressing last night after I finished cos I went to taste and it wasn't sweet enough!! BAH! Blame it on my mummy who purposely told me to cut the amount of sugar in it because the recipes are usually too sweet??
But :D:D today when I woke up my mummy told me that she and my dad went to tou1 chi1 the cookies and they were nice... HAHA. Because they weren't too sweet... LOL. Okies so no more worries about who is going to eat up my disastrous work because it isn't so disastrous after all... WHEE :D:D
Look at my batch of cookies :D:D Haha... I must really blame the recipe for it coming out like balls for the first two batches because they said roll into balls... But I think they somehow mean that you are supposed to roll into flattened balls... Haha. So only my third batch came out looking remotely cookie like. But... They look nice :D But zhixu can't eat them :(
My favourite cookie of them all... Because it came out looking like who it should. Chocolate crackle-tops :D:D
Stayed up till about 1am because of that. Yucks. When I was supposed to go sleep at 10? Haha. And another 1am night for me also the day before. GAH.
Dance yesterday was fine but omg we are soooo going to need to put in A LOT more work for it before preview. Which is like in a week's time. AHHHHHHH... PANICS.
Then went shopping for ingredient at ntuc yesterday. Planned to make some fudge thingy but couldn't find hazelnuts/pecans in ntuc sooo too bad. Plain boring chocolate cookies :( But apparently there ARE hazelnuts in NTUC just hidden in some corner. My mummy said she bought before. HAHA. Next time go shop at ntuc must bring my mummy along.
Because. Buying the ingredients are really ex.
I kissed goodbye to about 60 bucks in 2 days. :(
Okies. Off to mug the detestable and horrifying H3 MATH. Let's just hope and pray that they don't test us on proofs :S
c0mments
Friday, March 23, 2007
I feel like I haven't blogged for ages. So shall blog about the past few days. Which basically was CTs :SOk, CTs in general. Econs and GP are topics that i come out of the exam hall not knowing whether I did anything correctly or not so... But I do come out of the exam hall sometimes knowing about something stupid i wrote. Like writing some dunnoe what crap in place of "Mythbusters" and writing nonsense for nonsense econs case study questions. Seriously, some of the econs case study questions made me go huh?? Why they ask like that. Somemore they were supposed to test j1 _and_ j2 material in case study but they only tested j1 [except for standard of living which is like errr. -.-] Somemore most people only studied j2 material. :S
Math was an errrr... paper. It wasn't difficult but math papers shouldn't even be that hard. I think larh. Like i had to crack my head a bit and yarh larh what i want to say was just that math papers shouldn't be that hard :(
Chem was some bomb. After hearing mrs poh said that the aim of the chem department was 70% As, i thought that the paper would be ok and doable. And it so wasn't. I was never so hard pressed for time during sciences exams. Ever. All those humans subjects is write until you drop one which is basically write until they tell you to stop. But sciences?? You should have like A LOT of extra time to check. Which I didnt have at all. Which resulted in two stupid careless mistakes in the mcq, and my compound n for elucidation was wrong [thanks zhu hui for telling me just before physics paper today make me no more mood :S] Anyway. Are chem papers supposed to be finished? Cos it's really worrying that i have to keep watching the clock :S
Physics was today. It was OK larh. Doable but i thought it would be easier :S Haha. Another mcq question wrong liaos :(:( Silly me. Panic and never consider everything carefully :S
After that about 12 of us went to vivo city. And the bus ride was soooo long :S haha. Almost fell asleep. And received shocking news on the bus which is making me heart attack now. Where are you xinying?? Why dun pick up my call :(
Anyway. Today was the first time i went to vivo city. So big arh... But not really very special. Just all the shops concentrated at one place together. Which makes it quite convenient. I must go and shop around the whole complex one day :D
Watched stomp the yard. Which was quite good. The dancing was good at some parts and soooo sha at some parts that really must laugh. But at the start the really truly hip hop part, the camera keep shifting watch until I will get headache. Really cliched plot though. But dance movie, what to expect right ;)
I want to watch the history boys :(
Walked around daizo/daitou/dai something after that. Somehow i cant clearly remember the name right now :( paiseh, jing xuan's favourite store. Basically all 2 bucks stuff some worth it some not worth it. I bought something not really worth it but worth it in utils larh :P So its ok for me :P
Oh and we lunched at carl's junior. Which was rather expensive, I think not exceptionally nice, very sticky and very filling. Haha. But some bomb on my wallet.
Walked so much today :( Vivocity is soooo big but doesnt have a popular. Ughs. Somemore my knee and ankle hurt. And i was super tired. I think i cheng until then was only because of panadol :S
I think i spent 30 over today cos bought a book at popular while i was searching for stuff i wanted. But i really have been wanting to read that book for ages so... ok larh :D
But i can't read it until i have read all the stagnant the economists on my table. And cut music. And contacted xinying. Settled all the j2 dance stuff. And studied for h3 math. But that one must wait for my notes to come back to me first larh :P
Haiz off to cut music now :(
I have no life :S
c0mments
Monday, March 19, 2007
This is CTs season. And I'm coming online more often than ever. Haha, but that could be because I'm usually not at home yet at this sort of time and I usually reach home at 10 plus, decide that it's too late for me to do anywork and zonk out to sleep immediately. [Or more like, i realise there's work due tomorrow and don't have the time to go online.]The most dreaded papers are both over. GP and econs. What happened to the lit-ty humanities-ish me who wanted to take humans last time. Haha. They are now my most dreaded subjects :S Haiz. What to do. Econs paper today was kind of amusing. Especially the case study. Because I didn't really study micro in detail. And the whole thing was micro. And on a specific topic of micro. I thought they wouldn't go in depth on any topic and would try to test as much as possible because they told us the whole J1 work is tested. Arghs :S And somemore they say j2 work tested in case study also. Please... Haha... Like that i can just concentrate on one chapter and spend more time on j1 work right?? :S
Fashion. Fashion nowadays is kind of weird. At least to me. What is "good-looking" now is simply what is the trend. Or I suppose you could still argue that the trend is what most people are wearing and hence what most people think is nice. Having 10 different colours on your nails is not what i call nice :S Or black/red/black/red. Or black/yellow/black/yellow :S [think bumblebee]
Haha. Maybe i'm weird or i dunnoe how to appreciate. Most of the fashionable stuff today are soooo NOT something i would wear. Haha.
Peaking at the right time is really important. I dunnoe how many times you've been told that but i've heard it since like sec 1 during the compulsory sports talks or my piano teacher would nag to me that i peak way too early before my exam or stuff like that. I'm in the contractionary phase of the business cycle already. Can feel it. Somehow didn't study yesterday and today morning for econs also. And i really don't know how to prepare for maths. And don't know what else i can do to salvage my chem and physics.
Haha. Someone told me that i studied too much during the hols liaos that's why now will feel guilty because dunnoe what to study. The thing is. I studied very little this time. Compared with promos. Think the everyday mugging sort of lifestyle. Now i come online everyday and slack around. Sleep while mugging. Watch tv. Errrrr... Tons of stuff larh. Just cannot stick my butt to the chair in front of my table. What's wrong with me. And where has my determination gone??
Slacking around so much. I can't really blame unsatisfactory results on being too busy to study afterall. So if I don't do well. I really only have myself to blame.
Feel like going out to mug tomorrow. Just don't know whether I can study effectively outside or not. My class has a study group. And i saw their timetable today. Like whoah!!! 8-11. 12-2.30 3-5.30. 7-9. That makes 10 hours a day. Peifu. Maybe i should go join them. I think i sit down for less than half that time lorh. :S Haha maybe i should go study with them. Considering... Hmmmm... They actually study so much!! Panics... Should i go study now??? HAHA. But tmr no paper.
Aiyah! What's wrong with my attitude...
c0mments
Who on earth is going to read my good luck message. Who else is as crazy as me as to go online before econs common test [the most deadening subject i'm taking].
Anyway. It barely makes a difference because I have slacked the whole yesterday. And my mum's frens came over and i slept at 12 plus :S
Off to chiong a bit more.
What on earth is economic welfare?? :S
c0mments
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Im kinda sick of mugging already. Hmm... So decided to slack a bit.Something kinda bugs me but I don't really know how to say or what to do about it. So shall try to assume the best out of everything and continue on my way.
I think I have a lot of songs in my laptop but I have never listened to them... Today, chanced upon T.N.T. trinitrobenzene if i remember correctly. Extremely explosive. Hehe.
T.N.T.
By ACDC
(Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi)
See me ride out of the sunset
On your colour TV screen
Out for all that I can get
If you know what I mean
Women to the left of me
And women to the right
Ain't got no gun
Ain't got no knife
Don't you start no fight
'Cause I'm T.N.T.,
I'm dynamite
(T.N.T.) and I'll win the fight
(T.N.T.) I'm a power load
(T.N.T.) watch me explode
I'm dirty, mean and mighty unclean
I'm a wanted man
Public enemy number one
Understand
So lock up your daughter
Lock up your wife
Lock up your back door
And run for your life
The man is back in town
So don't you mess me 'round
'Cause I'm T.N.T.
I'm dynamite
(T.N.T.) and I'll win the fight
(T.N.T.) I'm a power load
(T.N.T.) watch me explode
T.N.T., (oi, oi, oi)
T.N.T., (oi, oi, oi)
T.N.T., (oi, oi, oi)
T.N.T., (oi, oi, oi)
T.N.T., (oi, oi, oi) , I'm dynamite
(T.N.T., oi, oi, oi), and I'll win the fight,
(T.N.T., oi, oi, oi), I'm a power load
(T.N.T.), watch me explode!
© 1975, J. Albert & Son, Pty.
Haha I don't like the song but kind of amusing larh. Haha. The sort of song which can give me a headache though :S Oh yarh. And the group name is ACDC. Sounds like alternating current, direct current. LOL.
Pardon me for crapping. I just studied. So this is all you can expect out of me right now. Haha.
I realised nowadays that my entries tend to be rather long. Occurred to me that I blog a lot when something's on my mind that I cannot say or if I'm in such a great mood that I'm talkative and must say everything on my mind. Haha.
Was telling someone that it's not what you do that is telling. It's what you don't do.
Like not smiling as much as usual. Not talking as much as usual. That makes such a great difference.
Trust. This profound interdependence and reliance, care and things like that. We all have to trust others to survive in this society. Even when the adults say the world out there is scary and menacing, where you can never tell what others are thinking. One is really incapacitated when he/she is unable to trust at all. Even if the trust is some abstract and un-tenacious sort of trust.
We trust people around us not to hurt us.
We trust people around us not to betray us.
We trust people around us to be there for us.
I think that nowadays, when I have something on my mind, I can depend on my friends to be my safety net.
Both when I fall. Or when I jump.
Was thinking about DiSC today. This Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness test that SLN took in sec4.
Influence people usually had a lot of friends who aren't very close, with exceptions of course [like MPC] while steadiness people have lesser friends who are usually closer [oligopoly]. They didn't comment on D & C friends [maybe they don't LOL. im joking]. But i think D has friends like I and C has friends like S.
Oligopoly and interdependence.
Trust.
Haha reminds me of this faith, hope, love and luck. The four symbolic petals on a four-leaf clover. I trust that everything will go well for me. And hence i have faith, i can hope, i have love and i believe in luck :D
Such an optimistic me today. Haha.
Been slacking the whole day so came online to slack for a while. No idea what prompted those random musings for me though :P Just random ideas. Haha.
c0mments
Saturday, March 17, 2007
PERFECTIONISM
February 19, 2001
I wrote this to express appreciation to my friends who have showered me with love and helped me realize that imperfection is what makes a person so perfect.
I wrote this to express appreciation to my friends who have showered me with love and helped me realize that imperfection is what makes a person so perfect.
No one could elaborate on it more than me. Maybe by default of my horoscope, I was born a perfectionist and tend to seek perfection in anything and everything I desire.
I remember tearing up a painting that took me many hours to draw just because it lacked the 'X' factor... I remember dumping my entire meal because I did not like the service. I took great pain to get the best of almost all the things I possess. It was that or nothing.
In the pursuit of perfection, I tend to overlook the finer things. It took me a very long time and a couple of painful lessons to understand that... that perfection is not about having the perfect shave, or the perfect work, or even a perfect family. It is about accepting the imperfection. To peer beyond the shell of the individual and realize the pearl that lies deep within. To embrace imperfection as a part of us; to accept the scars as marks of lessons and not stains to bleach off; THAT is what makes us complete. That is what makes us truly perfect.
I still tidy up my table when I leave office. I still scout for the best gadgets. I still clean the microscopic stain off my Sony 17inch Trinitron monitor, but something has changed now. I have learned to accept the beauty of imperfection... and I learned to accept myself.
--- Copyright © 2001 Senthil Hari
I like what this person wrote. But I only found it after reading a few others.
http://www.todays-woman.net/article696.html
http://ezinearticles.com/?Peace-for-the-Perfectionist&id=320722
This is what happens when I try to procrastinate. Back to work. Wasted enough time as it is.
c0mments
Sissel
I'm all alone in the rainfall
I hear my name call
I look up
But there's no one around
The sky is wild
And the wind blows
I'm out my window
Trying to fly
But I keep falling down
I will never have that dream again
If I do I'll just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
'till the end of time
I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down
Keep falling down
The blinding light silhouettes me
I try to get free
So I run, but I keep falling down
Keep falling down
I will never have that dream again
If I do I just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
To the end of time
And every night
I close my eyes
I hear the voices calling
Don't try to hide
Don't try to fight
It's only sleep
It's just a dream
And your not falling
I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down
Studying last night was quite productive. Not that I went far but I actually kept awake. But I finally went to sleep at around 1.30 am because my dad kept coughing in his sleep. And if he wakes up and finds me still awake, I would be dead meat.
CTs will start in about 2 days. And I don't feel like I've done much work yet. This feels rather slack compared to my past studying experiences. Like I said I would complete 8 days of work in this 7 weeks of holidays. I went out on one day, had dance on two mornings, had family dinner. And kept falling asleep.
Was stretching as i read econs notes just now. I'm seriously getting stiff. And yucky.
Damn hard to be focused.
What am I doing online?
Add on: Was watching Mythbusters on TV just now. Couldn't think of the name of 'Mythbusters' during the GP common test and I think I just anyhow thought of a crappy name to fill in. Not exactly smart. Yucks. Why did I have to use that example when I couldn't even recall the correct name? :S
c0mments
Friday, March 16, 2007
The product of my musings when i get bored. Featured: Econs notes on static and dynamic efficiency. Well grace does glide on blistered feet. Very true, seeing my own blistered feet. Not only that. Grace thrives on cramping calves, broken backs, weary souls and falling grades.
Today was NOT a good day for me. I woke up about 5/6 times during the night [maybe not night because I went to bed past 12] because somehow my calf kept cramping. And it hurt so much that I always had to get up, stand up, stretch and shake my leg. Only after gritting my feet to even move my leg of course.
So much for dawning bright and sunny, isn't it?
And I can't complain. I'm still trying to stick to my resolution.
During dance. Major changes again. Well not as major as the previous two pracs. But new moves which test my limits. Sprain my back. And made me shan3 dao4 yao1 AGAIN.
It hurts and I can't complain. Because the week is over. I'm supposed to be well. Not being well means I have to see the doctor again. Which means physiotherapy. Which means most probably. Being coaxed/persuaded/forced to drop dance and/or gym. That isn't an option for me. Not when that means almost everything to me right now. And I'm still struggling to get my back to its previous flexibility when every move hurts.
Why should this happen to me now? When things are just so important? When I might be giving my last shot at everything? When I'm already struggling to dance and gym AND A's?
Someone told me about this before. That things just come. They don't wait. Just take things in your stride.
Well, I'm doing that. I'm still alive, still studying, still dancing, still gymming.
Just maybe not very happy with the way things are going.
But well. CTs ARE in a few days. And SYF IS in a few weeks. And preview is BEFORE SYF. And Dance Night IS nearing. And so does June CTs, gym comp [I have no idea how i'm going to do it], Prelims, and of course As.
No wonder the sky turned gloomy, overcast and cloudy. And it rained.
Sometimes I just don't understand why I actually try so hard. When I don't even know where I will go, what I will get. But that doesn't matter sometimes as well. The processes matter. But I think I'm missing out on a lot. Getting to caught up and involved in CCA neccessarily mean a lot of sacrifices. Not being able to do well in school is only one thing. Missing out on other friends is another.
I have no idea why I'm trying so hard for CTs really. Because they don't mean anything at all. They don't mean anything to anyone. And I think no one really expects a lot out of me for this CTs. Well, except for myself. Because this would mean whether I can cope with my life or not. Because this would mean whether I can dance in peace or not. Because this would mean so much to my morale just when things are going wrong. Because it would be something right when everything seems to be spiralling downwards. If I actually do well of course.
Miss Lee said yesterdae that we are all very stressed people. We just don't know it. Well... I don't think so. I do agree with the point that most of us are very stressed people. Well some more than others. But it depends on the tolerance level of everyone as well. Taking up the same commitments doesnt neccessarily mean that two people would be equally stressed. But. WE DO KNOW IT. I mean, we know we are stressed and we try to do something about it. But there's this limit to what we can do about it. Miss Lee's telling me that she wouldn't go for dance today if she were me didn't help. It just made things worse. Especially when things weren't already going well. I'm exhausted. Really very tired. Studying late into the night wouldn't help because I would simply fall asleep in front of all my notes in an extremely awkward and uncomfortable position. But going to sleep doesn't make sense. Because I still can't sleep. This eternal struggle to fall asleep at night when no one else's around spurns reflections which is doing nothing to help my moody self.
And this blog entry goes to show what a failure I am at keeping my resolution.
Anyway, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EClj-Os8VBo
c0mments
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Got seriously depressed today while studying physics. And I seriously have no idea why because it is such a "common-sense" topic which "everybody" is supposed to understand. Seriously. When I looked at my electromagnetism and electromagnetic induction notes, I was wondering. You mean we had these notes? [Ok not that bad, more like, you mean there were these pages? :O] Because. I simply slept through all the lectures there were. Or I was half-awake to copy and thus scribbled all sorts of crap into my lecture notes. Or I simply ponned school [the Thursday after dance night preview].And the disgusting weather wasn't helping. Ok it wasn't as bad as yesterday when it poured heavily and what not, it didn't rain. Which means I couldn't close the windows [not couldn't but you know what I mean (I hope)]. And the wind was freezingly cold. At least to me. Stupid fever which has pestered me for the past week or so and hasn't gone yet. What's wrong why can't I fall sick properly for one day and get better immediately instead of having this insistent pestering falling-sick-ness about me. Grrrr...
Anyway. My mum went to fetch my sister to music lesson and shop around a bit. And I promptly fell asleep with my head on the table with all my notes spread around me. But I suppose I must blame myself for not turning in early enough so that I can have the buffer time to fall asleep because I think that even though I went to bed at 12 I fell asleep at around 1. This is soooo irritating.
Oh and receiving an sms at 12 midnight about something I didn't want to hear of probably didn't help my mood. Ughs.
But when my mum came home. Everything changed. Ok, not that drastic. But she handed me this envelope. And tsked aster and i for being sha and wasting postage on each other. But opening that envelope really made me burst into laughter. And giggle uncontrollably for quite a while. Until there were tears in my eyes... Oops... :$
Does anyone send other people ziplock bags?? :O And I was wondering what purple thing on earth aster was referring to. She was referring to ziplock bags with purple zips. XD
Well that put me in a much much better mood although I still DO NOT understand my EMI :(
And receiving emails from my sister is now a daily enjoyment. It gives me a reason to switch on my laptop. And is sometimes so inconsequential that I can go -.- Haha. But today's mail had something funny...
Do you usually say that you lecturer is like Professor Binns [for the poor and ignorant out there Binns in the history professor in harry potter go read it]? That's what she said of _her_ lecturer. XD
Well... Reading that made me burst out laughing again. Second time today.
See how much something small can make me giggle so much and become so happy when I was originally depressed. Quite shocked at myself for bursting out into uncontrollable fits of laughter. Never knew myself still capable of that when I was just moody a few seconds ago. I must keep on like this throughout! Yes I can do this!!!
With mentality like this I think I can face the next few days. Past the cts. Into SYF, Dance Night _and_ gym comp.
resolved. resolved to stay happy. seriously. and this is the ultimate test to my determination and perseverance.
c0mments
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
this sucksthis really really sucks
c0mments
spoil my good mood.
c0mments
Well apparently picasa doesnt let me post more than 4 pictures at a time. I hav no idea why. Probably because my pictures are super huge. Just loaded 23 pictures into my laptop and that took about 74mb? So ridiculous please :S
Okies about the photos in my previous post.
Today was ally's birthday. And lewis had this huge surprise for her. Which required the participations of all her friends. And he kind of got irked out yesterday because a lot of people couldn't turn up. Which made me intimidated. And i gave up studying physics today to go to her house [BOON LAY!!! guess what? zhixu public transport-ed there!! LOL]. And it was probably lucky that i turned up, because lewis apparently assumed that i would go :S but it was fun larh and relaxing to just sit around and stoned. was going to leave at 5 but couldn't go home because i didn't have house keys so just decided to stay for longer. haha. yeps and i stayed until 7 because it started raining after that and couldn't leave until her dad fetched to mrt. yeps.
So the previous post were some of the photos of today. Yeps... Tried to trick her that her cake was the small miserable looking slice of cake which was stuck full of candles but in the end it was this BIG mermaid by the sea cake. HAHA. The sea has this blue food colouring which is super sha... It causes blue teeth and blue tongue... Which reminds me. I have a picture of whao and chris [in ally's and lewis' og... i hope he's called chris] with blue tongues XD Oh and please don't ask me why whao went I think ally was rather shocked when she saw him as well :P
Okies anyway. Dance prac today was kinda confusing. Had so many changes then i'm a bit o.O. haha. Yeps and anyway did some costumes thing and after some convincing of my laoshi i got my purple :D:D but poor suwan couldn't get pink because of that i think. im sorry :(
About the tennis ball in the picture up there it's this cute stressball which is supposed to be there for me to mutilate when i'm stressed or simply make me smile when im sad. Haha it's quite amusing but so dirty i think my dad might scold LOL. [please ignore the ugly wrinkles on my hand :(]
I didn't study today at all but stoning at ally's house was relaxing.
I'm quite surprised at myself but after so many days of dreading the next day I actually look forward to tomorrow :D
Although I have to put in a full day of mugging tomorrow to make up for today. Eeeks.
Had a nice chat today but shall not comment about it although it was very thought-provoking. For fear of confusing my 'readers' with my supposedly "cheem" ideas and comments. Hmmm... Must go reflect more about it.
Shall slack tonight, sleep early, and wake for tomorrow to dawn bright and sunny.
Surprising how one day of non-mugging can make me so happy :D
c0mments
c0mments
Monday, March 12, 2007
I might love maths. But doing 45 math questions a day might be just out of my league. Not to speak of the most hated math chapter on earth taking up 10 of those questions. I'm kinda left with only integration right now. And I'm super sian of everything already.Holding on, barely, to the edge of the cliff...
Keeping hold of my sanity.
Cts in 7 days.
I can do this.
I tell myself.
I'd better do it.
c0mments
Sunday, March 11, 2007
tiredworn out
and sick
left with no other alternative
than to carry on
carry on dancing
c0mments
Down with the flu. I'm sick. And I'm trying very hard to stay awake so that I can mug. Bah!
On a half an hour break only so this post shall be super short. Back to mugging.
c0mments
Saturday, March 10, 2007
This was the sky i woke up to this morning.
Gives a premonition of doom doesn't it?
Coupled with sleeping at 1plus last night and feeling really really tired and dragging myself out of bed.
Something was just going wrong today. I could sense it in my bones [sounds old doesn't it].
Reached school super early. Quite a few of the dancers were already at the track. Good things still. Everything thus far was going fine. Until we found out the turn-up rate of 10/15 with 2 nice j1s and cheng gong who came to join us.
Everyone who didn't come were sick or injured.
Everyone who came were falling sick or tired or unmotivated.
So we started off with running 5 rounds around the track which was blissfully empty. People who usually train there were off on some trip or another I believe. Ran 3 rounds doing overtaking. And 2 rounds of all the various jumps, new running methods and stuff. I was tired before that. After that...
Went to windy benches to dance although we had the dance studio today. Cos dancing at the windy benches is more relaxing, more effective and everything.
Thing was we met our seniors at the windy benches. And sat around for a while. Then xin ying and ivy disappeared somewhere. Which gave everyone the motivation to sit down relax and talk a bit. And _wait_ for them to return so that we could start pt. I think they kind of disappeared for more than half an hour.
Yucks.
So with the huge break. Everyone was really focused. So dance today was slack and disgusting feeling. And the music cut we had to do based on feedback during preview sounded disgusting. And it was my fault because I made the cut and I wasn't really focused that night. I apologise.
And there were so many missing people that we couldn't do what was the main plan that day. I settle the huge major changes in formations between the slow and the fast parts. WE NEED EVERYONE TO DO THAT WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WHEN HALF THE PEOPLE ARE MISSING.
We had to let everyone off after a really unsuccessful practice. And the way practice goes really affects my mood. Dancing together with the music elevates me somethings and today was really an spiral all the way downwards.
On a lighter note. look at cheng gong and my new pencil boxes. Designed by vernus and patented by zhi xu. Thank you. It was done yesterday with zip lock bags from the wardrobe :P I have a new zip lock bag! The old one tore and everything fell out.
Someone please help me source of nice pencil boxes. I think i need a proper new one. How long do you think this new ziplock bag will last?
The eeyor pencilcase remember? [hehe aster tell me where you saw it last time I will go and buy after cts]
Take a closer look at the design. Original vernus handwriting. Haha notice how many purples she had to write when listing the things in my pencil box :P Then conclusion? "ZHIXU IS A PURPLE FREAK!!!"
Went for chinese dance barbeque at mdm ong's house today. This is the view from her house. Nice 13th floor apartment. Looks like a chalet place right? SO NICE. Haha and she invited me to drop by at her house XD Lols...
After dance today went out to eat pepper lunch express at j8 food court. Quite ok larh but the last time I ate the salmon one which was better than the curry chicken one i ate today. Hmmm...
Went home to try mugging chapters 8, 9 and 10 today so that by tomorrow I can hit 14 [chem]. Failure. I was sleeping at the table before I even started on 8. So i transfered to the sofa to sleep for 15 minutes so that I would feel more refreshed after that and can study. Bad idea. I ended up sleeping until I had to go out to pick xinying up and then go to school to meet the dancers before heading for mdm ong's house. So silly. We thought that we would be meeting like 20 over people to go over there together. And we met up with only 5 j1s. All the rest of the j2s either couldn't go today or were going by themselves. SO SHA. And we had to wait for 1 hour before leaving school because we didn't know who were coming. Most people didn't tell us whether we had to wait for them and many of them cancelled on us today :(
IF I KNEW I COULD HAVE SLEPT FOR ONE MORE HOUR AT LEAST TIME SLEEPING IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN TIME SPENT WAITING.
But the barbeque was fun and relaxing and a blast :P Although xinying commented that I looked tired/sad because I just kept smiling and didn't really participate in any conversation. Hmmm... Tired larh. Sad maybe a bit but not exactly sad just the over-riding weariness...
Hmmm... Today my back hurt really very badly. Kept having sudden shooting sharp pains [alliteration of emphasis! it wasn't intentional actually...] And the fall yesterday when i was trying to u-turn after a jump had a hard impact on my shoulder. So my entire shoulder area hurt. And apparently there is a lot of negative feedback going around my body. Sitting at my table late at night yesterday was torturous and extremely painful. I ended up wanting to curse [I actually cursed in an sms sent at around 12am this morning/last night]. And it was so painful that I felt like crying in desperation.
Sitting like that now gives me random shots of pain also.
CCTV 4 was playing this China performing in Sydney thing just now. And my parents were watching. A quite pro woman was singing molihua which totally made me miss Dance Night last year. I think it is soooo depressing that the last time we dance together would have to be at a place so pok and for so little people that I can't even offer all my friends tickets :'( So this year I would have so little supporters and boohooooooo...
Anyway some in the audience were crying while listening to the molihua. My ex-principal in ATS's favourite song was molihua also. Then my daddy was saying something about not liking the song actually although the woman sings well. Then my mum was "that is a song that all chinese should know". The sense of belonging and longing and I don't really know how to describe of that song is really touching and moves me in a special way. Like edelweiss... Hmmm... And i actually thought i had lost that kind of feeling in me.
Should I study actuarial science? I told my sister I want to study about risk management and it turns out that the course I would then have to take is actuarial science. And to be an actuary is really really hard. Apparently the passing and graduation rates are low. And little universities offer that. Gah! How.... I must decide upon my future as a goal to work towards!
I keep shivering these few days. What's wrong with me.
Hmmm... Some random thoughts. That day out of the blue wanling suddenly suggested that I should become the class role model. Because of something like being able to finish all my work and help others and do well and cope and what nots even when I am so busy. Being the class role model... Hmmm... Something I believe I do not live up to. Firstly, he/she should be helpful and patient. I think I'm rather short tempered and not exactly helpful. Meaning you have to ask me a question before I would answer you. If I see you there I would probably not help unless you ask for help. Basically something of a privacy issue. Although sometimes people wait for other to offer help and I am like that sometimes I just don't feel that pushing help into someone else's face is just like me. I don't know rather funny. Secondly, he/she has to be good tempered. And a people-person. Something I am rather not. Cross me when I'm feeling down already and you get whatever I'm feeling at the same time. Although I must say I have not been doing that these few days at least it's just that I am not naturally like that. I want to be like that but somehow since I consciously and patient i think it's not my nature. Back to the issue on whether your character or your mind or whatever dominates. Can you be who you are.
Anyway. That isn't exactly what I wanted to talk about but since I've typed it in there I shall just leave it there. Who reads this anyway. But hearing that I am worth something to somebody really encourages me. Feels great to be appreciated sometimes. I guess I'm just not that selfless actually. I would get pissed when I have to do what others are supposed to do and then he/she gets recognition for the work that I've done. It just isn't very fair to me. Especially when the person receives the recognition even when he/she didn't do the thing. Aiyah, I dunnoe. You don't have to praise me for doing the thing. It's just I don't know how to say. I'm blabbering bleargh.
Friends have come to play an extremely huge part in my life. Not that they have never done but I must just mention it here. Receiving the "chengg loves you" note that she wrote for everyone was nice. Knowing that someone out there is caring for you is nice. Knowing that there are people behind you is nice as well. I always say that I go to school only for cca. Not very true. My class keeps me sane. My dancers keep me sane. The company and just simply talking and crapping or whining about homework studying and grade is keeping me going all through the day. Oh yarh and that was part of what I wanted to say about the role model thingy. A role model shouldn't be someone who is on the brink of collasping and needs the company of people around him/her to keep going right.
I don't know how I'm going to survive the next few days mugging alone at home [I shall try to convince my mum to bring my sister out although i do feel depressed studying alone at home but she sometimes causes a distraction]. Mugging alone makes me feel depressed and get less work done I don't know why also. My friends keep me going but apparently I won't see much of them over the hols except during dance on tues and thurs [dance is only on two days the doctor is going to be happy].
Aiyah i shall write a note to all my friends after cts thanking them for helping me through the days.
c0mments
Friday, March 09, 2007
nono everything is fine everything is fine i just feel like crying right now totally dreading dance tomorrow bleargh shall stop herec0mments
Speaking off which. I really can't stand my temper these few days. Although I think I am regaining my determination and control to not lose it at my friends. I think I am smiling a lot more nowadays even when I can be pissed. That shows an improvement. Good for me. More control, no hurt feelings. I think it's the frustration of wanting to study but not having time [who on earth _wants_ to study but you know what I mean]. The frustration of needing to sleep yet having to slog. The frustration of decreasing efficient hours for doing work [not sleeping during lectures make me much more tired because I desperately need those snatches of sleep resulting in me sleeping earlier when I am more productive at home].
I should be studying now arghs I am getting irritated with myself.
Dance today was slack. Relaxing to lie about and talk and help yihui with her math assignment and let vernus design my new pencil box. I shall take a picture of it and post soon. It is super cool okae... Not as effective as the previous informal but the previous informal was after a hectic and un-understandable prac that's why had a lot of things to clear up lah.
My back still hurts today. Letting yiwei down wrongly is making my lower back hurt quite sharply right now. Grah.
Gritting my teeth. I must get well.
c0mments
Thursday, March 08, 2007
School today was fine. Got back the chem lecture test we did on Tuesday. I did fine larh. But I must really berate myself for my overconfidence. In putting down answers I mugged and not adapting it to the question. Not the definition question. But in putting down s-1 mindlessly. And in using products - reactants to calculate enthalpy change of combustion when _obviously_ bond breaking [on the reactants side of the equation] would take in energy should it should be more like reactants - products. So STUPID for not even thinking and just chucking stuff onto the paper. Bah!I showered this morning. So Accomplished Me did NOT sleep through lectures today. I was awake throughout chem lecture [a confirm sleep lecture], phys lecture [an either sleep or do other work lecture... I paid attention today!], and econs tutorial. I must admit that gp was a breather as we did our own work and sauntered to the canteen to by food [for the rest] and to get tempted [for me]. And I was going to nod off during econs already. Had to get Zhu Hui to pester me awake. She FINALLY succeed today. Wheee...
BUT. My determination kind of died off this afternoon. Maybe because of the 'exertion' of choreo-ing j2 dance with Vernus in the afternoon. Of the afternoon sun and heat. Or I was going to die the whole day and only collasped then. [Why am I making excuses for myself?] I SLEPT DURING H3 MATH TUTORIAL :S Yucks. Desperately copying notes only ended up in messy scribbles on my lecture notes and many pencil lines because when I sleep my hand will just ZOOM across the paper :S
Oh and the new physics lecturer is really amusing and interesting, although we _did_ spend half the lecture waiting for av technicians to come and fix the problem. I wonder what's wrong. Chem lecture in the first block also had an IT glitch and after waiting around and wasting time, they ended up using transparency. Exactly what the GP essay topic on how technology has made us busier come into play :P [Pardon this relation to GP I MUST make use of what I studied XD]
I'm starting to get irrelevant but since this is my personal space please excuse the messiness within the mind. Speaking of which, read the article in Newsweek whao pointed out to me on Monday. About messiness. The concept is interesting but how they argued the point was not very credible in my opinion. Using the increase in entropy of the universe for reactions as an example of how disorder is useful DOES NOT stand. If S < 0, when change in G is < 0, the reaction still takes place. It just requires a force and is not spontaneous. The argument about digging around your messy table and finding things you forgot and finding links between your messy notes is also filmsy. They said that time spent on the mindless strive for order could be better spent somewhere else doing something more productive. Think of it like this: time spent digging around your messy table [they admitted that you _have_ to dig around your messy table] can be spent putting it into neat piles so you will not have to do it again next time. Overall? Time saved. Furthermore, when you rearrange your table to put it into neat stacks/piles/files, you will find things you forgot and find links between messy things on your table. Does that not mean that orderliness is even better? Hmmmm... But the study may have better empirical evidence and not as simplified argument as this. And they might have conducted actual studies which I do not know of. Just saying that these two argument are filmsy larh.
Dance today was I don't know how to describe. Was rather dead after H3 math already and had to go for dance :S Many people weren't around originally because they were sick/dunnoe why/at O2. Yeps but we re-did the kuai ban and trained our new ambitious move. Lifting esther. Wheee... I think it would look really nice but right now we must concentrate on doing it quickly enough. Yeps yeps. We can do it! Much thanks to esther for being so brave and ivy for her poor back. Ren3!! We can do it as a team!
Dance tomorrow is from about 2-7 because CG and I NEED to settle our lifts. Lose weight lose weight that is the only solution. Yeah mann with success around me I can do it! LOL :P
Going to see the doctor again tomorrow. Hope everything goes well.
Flooded with commitments, I can only settle things one at a time. One step at a time, one inch forward step by step. I can do this!
c0mments
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
My back hurts again. Today during dance I was doing this penche thingy and then fan shen after that. And my back crack crack cracked... And now it hurts. I shall insist that my back hurts because I didn't warm and and crack it before dance. All because everyone refused to help me :( BOOHOO...Anyway laoshi made more changes to the dance today. My part has become so technical. Ok not that I didn't expect it. But seriously, I'm lopsidedly technical and laoshi had to choose the wrong leg for me to do stuff [incidentally Maria's good leg and Ivy is super even so I dunnoe]. Yucks. I'm totally terrible and doing it and yucks later she chase me away from my position because I seriously can't make it. Yucks yucks yucks. Somemore I can do it when I'm not wearing dance shoes but there's no such thing as not wearing shoes for dance soooo...
Gross... GP CTs today was gross also. Can you imagine how silly I could be and crossing out so many potential questions when I could very well do it but I was panicking? And AQ was some sort of crap no idea what I was trying to argue half the time :S Ok shall not talk about depressing stuff...
Chem test was better than I thought but having made a REALLY careless mistake, I deserve to throttle myself. Mistakes are acceptable. Careless ones are NOT.
Got my finger whacked by the dao4 ju4 during dance today. Painful later got internal bruise.
Haiyah I'm blogging really randomly now. Shall go and cut music for dance tomorrow :(
c0mments
Monday, March 05, 2007
This is wearing me out. Taking up so much of my time. Ironic isn't it when J2 is the year when we have to start studying and preparing for THE A LEVELS and yet here we are bogged down by our many commitments.Things like how to collect money and return money SHOULD NOT require proposals but we have to do it because we are responsible people and have to be trained for the ADULT WORLD where things don't just go the any-old-how-way we are used to.
Somehow I don't see other treasurers having as much work to do as me. Somehow many CCA teachers help in treasury. Well I don't really mind the work really. Budgeting and stuff are fine with me. Just try to tell me a few weeks in advance. Do not say: Zhi Xu you have to do this for me by TOMORROW, or next week which is bad enough. Like how CCA Budget Plan was to be submitted before promos last year and I had to slog through it while doing PW and [not] studying and my teacher asked for two difference versions. Do not say: You have to meet me tomorrow we have to settle this tomorrow because sometimes I really cannot take it. I really cannot make it.
CMI.
I used to pride myself in my perseverence, determination and never-say-die attitude. Where has it gone these days? Is it still within me, albeit temporarily hidden. Or does it only work when I want to run rounds and rounds around the track and not in my real-life?
This blog is becoming a depressing place isn't it?
Too tired to study chem my eyes are shutting so much for perseverence pain worn out irritability gah
c0mments
I'm not I'm how guai can. When mrs poh asked me whether I was sleeping today I was awake OK! But my eyes were shutting and if she didn't call me I would have nodded to sleep immediately. But her calling me only delayed that from happening by about 5 minutes. Why am I always so drained and tired? I always sleep in class this year I don't know why. And I am trying hard to keep awake. When mrs poh called me I was struggling to control myself and command my hand to pick up my pencil to take down what she's saying. Lol, sometimes I really AM listening but I also really am sleeping. I somehow listen when I sleep. Interesting.
Read a bit of the really interesting article on messiness and disorder and how I can actually make us more productive. Hmmm... Sometime about if we don't bother wasting time making things _seem_ to have some order we could spend that time doing something more productive. Make sense. Haha. And messy tables are empirically more productive to work at. Good for me. I have a MESSY table :S
Proposal proposal proposal. My life seems to be revolved around proposals. One thing at a time one thing at a time. Phys tut, chem study, treasury proposal, settle tickets.
Time, time seems to be missing here.
Dreams, we have to give up so much of them.
Prioritising, what if we make the wrong choice.
Choice, choosing the road less taken.
Lol, reminds me of Robert Frost's "The Road Less Taken" again. Somehow it stuck to me since sec 2 when we studied it in lit. And I can remember that that was the first poem we studied that year :P
Speaking of tickets. How am I supposed to allocate a meagre 9 tickets to all my family and friends? I have 3 more now and I already have potential buyers but I don't know how to sell to!! Cries.
So mean that we had 8 tickets each last year [if I remember correctly] and sales were also on in the canteen. Depriving us of supporters when this might be the last time I get to dance...
Everything seems to be coming to an end soon.
Prolong the moment.
Ahh... Back to reality. Back to work.
Sinking back into moodiness.
c0mments
Sunday, March 04, 2007
What am I doing posting 4 posts a day? When I'm supposed to be super busy? Anyway, one of the posts was from yesterday night. Just registered as today because past 12 already.
Anyway, more pictures to share...
Anyway, more pictures to share...
I think I'm really touchy with pent up feelings these few days. A small thing could make me go over the tipping point. Too uptight already, must do something about it.
Still no mood to go study physics. Lol.
c0mments
I think studying irritates me, especially when the test is not on the exact next day or something because there is less motivation. But Phys SPA tomorrow isn't exactly making me mug. WHY.
Chinese New Year is drawing to an end. The CNY break is too short. Not that I would demand for 15 days off for the entire CNY but how about 5? I might have more time to rest. Feels weird this year that nobody came to our house to bai4 nian2. Last year my mum's friends all came. But supposedly take turns so we went to someone else's house this year. Doesn't feel very Chinese New Year-ish without people coming over and making a mess of things. CNY goodies are simply being devoured by my daddy. Anyway:
15 days to CTs
45 days to SYF
67 days to Dance Night
I must believe in myself.
Anyway, this is a short phrase I always leave at the end of emails after my name as a "signature".
Dance like no one's watching,
Sing like no one's listening,
Love like you've never been hurt,
Live like heaven's on earth.
Then I was listening to Mario Frangoulis today and there was this song.
Dance
Lyrics: Pam Sheyne
I see those vulnerable eyes
They're as deep as the darkest of oceans
I sense the lonliest heart
Holding back your fragile emotions
I feel you wanna let go
Inside of my arms just know
You're safe with me, let's
Dance like there's nobody watching
Sing as if no-one is listening to...
What you're hearing
Love like you've never been hurt before
Try to forget if you can
And just dance
I've known the coldest of nights
Lay awake try'na stop myself dreaming
There in the emptiest space
In my head the music stopped playing
right now all I wanna do
Is lose myself in you and me
Just be, let's
Dance like there's nobody watching
Sing as if no one is listening to...
What you're hearing
Love like we've never been hurt before
Try to forget if we can
And just dance
Why don't we dance and pretend we know how to fly
Like we've never been scared of heights
No fear of falling
Love like we've never been hurt before
Forget where our feet will land
And just dance.
Hmm... Might have been where that short chunk came out from right?
c0mments
I'm taking Naproxen 500mg twice daily when the recommended dosage is 220mg once or twice daily. But since this is what the doctor recommended i suppose this is correct. However, the half-life of Naproxen is 12-15 hours. This effectively means that i have >220mg of Naproxen in my body 24 hours these few days. The gel the doctor provided is also a pain relief i think. So even if my back doesnt hurt these few days, and it hurts mildly sometimes only, i might still be doing something wrongly. Isn't that more dangerous than ever? I mean if it hurt I would know when to stop, if it doesnt I might worsen the situation.
What can I do other than have faith in the doctor?
On Stress and Stress-Relief.
The pile of work to do and also the many many tests next week has been leaving me feeling rather stressed. The burn-out index for me from the burn-out survey we did in class last week was 46. Rather high, but I know someone who has a burn-out index higher than mine. Hmmm...
The danger of burn-out has been preached to me often enough by many many people who are also scared that I will run out of energy sometime soon. True perhaps but I think I have been rather mean and have taken out my frustration on a few close friends, for which I am truly sorry. But I am surviving despite all odds. And I am sort of going at the same pace as all the lectures and tutorials [although I sleep every lecture and don't pay attention every tutorial, which doesnt bode well for the up and coming CTs]. I might not have started mugging for CTs but I AM COPING. Rejoice in that.
Chatting with people online late into the night has become some sort of de-stressing method for me. The only disadvantage to this would be that I would be even more tired in school the next day and hence have reduced productivity. Chatting with someone I haven't chatted with for a long time yesterday made me feel rather relaxed. Although it did mean that i ended up sleeping at 1am.
Crying is another. I am becoming a crybaby this year.
Or finding indulgence in the surroundings, standing at the window late at night yesterday, it feels like the night wind is so refreshing that I could continue doing more work non-stop, I can persevere. However, it was so cold and I was catching a cold that I couldn't stand there forever.
I think music affects my mood too. Listening to depressing music [not exactly depressing but rather nostalgic/enchanting/something which pulls at the strings in my heart] makes me feel very tired and emotionally stressed. I think I don't have any HAPPY music in my library.
Finding irrelevant pictures for flowers last night made me find that i can still appreciate much of the beauty in the world around me. Which made me think of my past ambition of becoming a photographer. Hmm... I wonder how I could feed myself if I went into this line.
But anyway, if you are reading this line I must say I marvel at your endurance in reading all the above irrelevant and disjointed crap I typed up there. Off to lunch and more work. But I'm feeling ok about it really...
Half-empty, half-full. We make the choice.
c0mments
just in case, all these arent mine...
c0mments
Saturday, March 03, 2007
im sure laoshi took out the ban tui zuan when i FINALLY manage to do it... somemore i was like im sure put in dance when i dun dare to do for gym. then in the end take out but i think that's good larh cos not everyone can do?dance really hurt on fri good thing didnt have to do all the back stuff i really took it slack didnt use my back at all... so today went to see doctor... turns out that i have a back sprain and muscles strain.
so... for the next few days. i think anyone who sees me slouching is qualified to scold me. dun stand straight. lying on my chair whatever whatever...
ughs :S but that doctor so nice :D didnt ban me from dance although he knows i need to rest. so ends up i hav mc from pe and gym for 2 weeks. then onli need to stop dance on mon [lol i can do and mark :P which probably means i will dance also?] then must take it easy until appointment again [must miss civics on friday to go for appointment :S]
acks. so many things to do and study for next week and still have dance stuff to cope with boohoo...
off to chiong then :S bah!
c0mments
Friday, March 02, 2007
Spell CheckEye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye Have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
read this on someone's blog :P so funny? haha okok i shall not waste more time online. my bed here i come!
c0mments
Thursday, March 01, 2007
todayi ponned school...
went to school for dance
saw some dancers in the canteen
and got greeted like this:
"did you pon school also?"
i was like "also? why also"
turned out that xinying and vernus ponned school as well...
quite amusing all of us are choreo-ers of j2 dance. and we all konked out. and ponned school on the same day :P
haha anyway ponning school was a good idea i think cos im a bit less tired now [but if i sleep late i'll prob still feel yucky tmr]
dance today was slack cos all of us were tired. my back still hurts and my right ankle is hurting sometimes too... so weird one :S anyway it was slack but i thought it was useful cos i clarified quite some stuff... counted music correctly. can remember what we learnt ysterdae also :D wheee...
anyway something interesting: soccer guys and ruggers shaved their heads. img is chinese dancers cut same hair style also quite cool... but i a bit :( for my hair larh :P
im supposed to mug econs now but too lazy too larh :P
shall screw up courage to ask my mummy bring me to doctor soon!
c0mments
anyway.
A Friend's Greeting
- Edgar A Guest -
I'd like to be the sort of friend that
you have been to me;
I'd like to be the help that
you've been always glad to be;
I'd like to mean as much to you
each minute of the day
As you have meant, old friend of mine,
to me along the way.
I'd like to do the big things and
the splendid things for you,
To brush the gray from out your skies
and leave them only blue;
I'd like to say the kindly things that
I so oft have heard,
And feel that I could rouse your soul
the way that mine you've stirred.
I'd like to give you back the joy
that you have given me,
Yet that were wishing you a need
I hope will never be;
I'd like to make you feel as rich as I,
who travel on
Undaunted in the darkest hours with you to
lean upon.
I'm wishing at this time that I
could but repay
A portion of the gladness that
you've strewn along my way;
And could I have one wish this year,
this only would it be:
I'd like to be the sort of friend
that you have been to me.
structure not very good but hehe. it's a nice poem. tada~
sleep. why do i have late nights everyday :(
c0mments