_behind the scenes_
zhi xu.
30/10/89
likes: purple!
gymnast(:
chinese dancer
_archives_
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- January 2007
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_frens_
8+1!! | abbY* | alison
whiny aster | belle* | chermaine
chianyeh | class | cheryl y | evelyn
jing xuan | mandre | su(mar)wan | nikki
ramona | pamela maria loo jing ling
rach wong | raisin | suelynn | wenhao
yamz! | yihui(: | yiwei
zhunian!
_wishlist_
black clubs! | tie dyed ribbon
new wallet | black hoop
sasaki ball!!
_tagboard_
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Was reading "Aims and Issues" and "Fiscal Policy" today [was supposed to do Monetary as well but SEE no more time :'(] and the whole issue about GST hikes and greater redistribution of income was rather interesting to me.For non-economists, GST hikes are regressive in nature. By that, it means that the poor lose out more when paying for GST because a greater amount of their income is spent on consumption. GST hike doesn't take into account the ability to pay, simply put, and hence the overwhelming concern of the populace of the effects of a GST hike hurting the lower income groups.
To abate political pressure and ensure greater redistribution of income, a set of measures have been put in place. The one-off GST offset package and WIS are examples. Yet, is that sufficient? That I'm not so sure. Some measures put in place are also corporate tax cuts and lowering of effective tax rates in the upper income groups. Doesn't that counter the effects of greater redistribution of income then? Yes Singapore's progressive income tax structure has been steeply progressive all this while (about 70% of Singaporeans don't pay income tax at all). So, does the 100% include young dependants, the elderly and people who simply don't work? Given the high educational requirements in our competitive society (a lot of Singaporeans complete tertiary education) and aging population, perhaps it should not be odd to see such a high proportion of people who do not need to pay income tax. Yes? No?
I'm quite confused.
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The last part was closely related to what I was musing about today. The benefits that one can gain from studying economics. Perhaps I should phrase it this way. All other subjects are graded out of 100 marks, because it is very possible to get full marks. On the other hand, it is rather hard indeed to get full marks in economics tests. In fact, I don't know of anyone who has gotten full marks yet, in my school at least. So I shall propose an alternative model to grading economics. An "A" grade should be 70% of 80-100% of the paper! The 80-100% would of course vary according to the difficulty. Perhaps that would move the number of "A"s in econs to approximately the number of "A"s in say... Physics or Chem. Seriously. With less than 5% of economics students getting A, that's rather harsh isn't it? Or are we just too daft?
Eeks. Im crapping by the way. Don't listen to me.
Actually simple bell-curving would make more sense. Oh well.
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Solve the mystery --- Who's okeo? Please show yourself!
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Was supposed to blog about this yesterday. I went running. In the evening. And the feeling was wonderful. Like pounding along the pavement once again. Feeling blood running [My stamina is totally totally GONE though :(].
The moon was very nice yesterday. But before I veer totally off course...
Have you ever stopped to look around you? Ok I suppose you have. I do so often enough. Running during the evening, watching the sun set. Was wahhhh...
It started off quite bright. The grass was shining with greenness. Then after sometime of putting one foot ahead of the other, I looked up, and the sky was darkening and the street lamps were lighted. The amazing thing was that the colour of the sky wasn't even. Like half of it was greyish blue and the other half was totally clear. Then at the corner of the sky, it was a mix of pink and purple and gold. Wahhh...
Ok that probably sounds quite childish. But it was amazing to rediscover the treasures in the world around me. Learning how precious these small little things are which could make your day. It made my evening at the very least! And finding out where north is from my house. I faintly recall playing with magnets and trying to make it suspend freely. Haha.
Ohhh and I was trying to figure this out yesterday. You know how we learnt in primary school that objects are magnetised by aligning all the (magnetic) plus-es towards one direction and minus-es towards the other? And then magnets are all aligned in that way as well? Sooo... What gives rise to the plus and minus _thingies_ in the magnet? We already know that there are no currents running through conductors. Most magnets are conductors yes? And we also know that magnetic fields are formed by moving charges. And the cations and freely flowing electrons cannot create magnetic fields because the electrons move by random motion because there isn't a current inside the conductor yes?
Confused yet again. Anyone can please explain the elementary physics to me? I'm hopelessly lost.
c0mments
This is such an unearthly hour. I had to make you know I am still awake.
YAWNS.
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Tuesday, August 28, 2007
My uncle's wedding was held today. So while I didn't take any photos with the groom OR bride [on my camera at least], it wasn't a waste bringing my cam about :)
Random photos with my sister :)
Petals from 1000 roses on the floor and table! :O Omy. And lilies koped back to put at home smell really really wonderful :)
Slacked the whole today already. Now it's time to do all those integration and DE questions I can't do. And start writing my personal statement. I just realised that I need to take passport size photos for the application forms! BUT. My pimple affliction is still grossing me out!!! :(:(:(
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Monday, August 27, 2007
I come online to slack for a while before starting work at 3. I feel like a slacker because everyone in school has probably studied for three hours by the time I START. Oh well...I'm a fool why did I write on global warming and politics. I was thinking it would be a subject no one would write and so I will stand a chance but no all those history humans everyone would probably write omg omg HOW WILL I STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THEM!
I'm going mad. It was made worse because when I spoke to my classmates they said they wouldn't write it the way I did. There goes GP down the drain it's hard to focus when you feel depressed :(
And compre was UGHS I couldn't understand what I was writing half the time.
What if I fail GP? :'(
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Sunday, August 26, 2007
Waking up early feels good. It's still morning (sort of while I'm typing) and I actually have done SOME work. Not a lot, but yeah.Came online to spill out some thoughts then it just occurred to me that the spillage cannot occur here. Oh well oh well...
GP is freaking me out. I write Econs for GP erps.
Gun down the GP. Tackle the applications. Face down Prelims (H3!). Settle more applications. Mug for SAT. Fight US essays. Sit through A's. I can't wait!
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Saturday, August 25, 2007
I realised The Economist is really a very very good read. Ok I didn't realise that recently but I just thought I'd say it here. Because it provides information on just about everything. Which is quite cool right? So reading one issue from back to back would actually provide enough for you to go into the examination hall to write a veritable essay, provided you remember everything. So why not just get a copy from the news stand in the market or [You know I have no idea where news stands can be found]... Yeah, so why do people order it in batches of 3 years, at a much larger cost of them despite the heavily discounted price, instead of simply grabbing one copy at $11 the week before GP Prelims?This is why...
Let x represent the wholeness of knowledge, ranging from 0 to 1, with 1 representing complete and whole knowledge.
1) Assume every issue of The Economist provides whole and truthful information on every single subject. x = 1
2) Estimate retention rate of reading [For Zhi Xu that should be able 5% = 0.05, I have EXTREMELY short term memory] x = 1 x 0.05
3) Premium for new information every week, more updates on the same issue and new findings and happenings. x = 1 x 0.05 x 1.5
4) Premium of special reports estimated to be 14 pages out of 105 pages occuring in a 1 in 4 chance. I didn't go and count this so of course this is not accurate at all. x = 1 x 0.05 x 1.5 x (1 + 14/105 x 1/4)
5) Usefulness of data, you write one in twelve essays, so take that to be 1/12. x = 1 x 0.05 x 1.5 x (1 + 14/105 x 1/4) x 1/12
6) And then, when you pay for 3 years, 1 issue per week. x = 1 x 0.05 x 1.5 x (1 + 14/105 x 1/4) x 1/12 x 3 x 52
7) x = 1.0075
That actually gives a bit more than complete and whole knowledge, which is of course impossible. But Singapore is the Cities of Possiblities so it IS possible. Anyway, these figures are all crappy and I would be very very worried if you put any stake in them. Kind of reminded me of the days back in GIC where I had to estimate the worth of stock in a company and random figures, extrapolation and assumptions have to be made! Of course I tweaked the figures to make it go back to 1. DUH. So please do not believe me. This is a random penchant for writing proofs. LOL. I'm going a bit mad from all the reading.
Back to MORE reading.
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Postpone that to after GP at the very very least. So I'm going to be happy today and stay happy. :)
祉旭 means 幸福出生的太阳. Hehe. Oh well but Aster just laughed at my name.
Insert: Now she insists on changing my nick to 祉，福也。旭，日旦出貌。Now she's congratulating herself because I listened to her -.- Actually this is an indicator of how bored I am, transcribing my convo (sort of).
I was thinking I have a lot to say today but suddenly I can't remember what. Erps. So postpone what I want to say to the next time as well.
I'm supposed to embark on a hiatus from MSN and Blogging. But here I am blogging even more often than the past few weeks. Because mugging is BORING and coming online to chat and blog provides a break and stress relief. A much needed one at that.
Sooo.... I guess there's no more hiatus :P
Arghs. I can't believe I'm that forgetful and NOW I have to go to school on one day next week [wed to fri] JUST to collect my rope which I lent to someone last month! And if I hadn't remembered on friday, it would probably stay with him for like EVER. UGHS.
Haha I miss my dirty old but trustworthy purple rope [which gave me my most recent sprained ankle during June Hols.] Oh well oh well.
I miss dancing and gymming! And I don't like growing fat!! :(
Today was trying clothes to wear next Tuesday and the conclusion that I have too little clothes [or am too fat to wear all my clothes] has been reached. Congratulate me please. But I seem to reach the conclusion whenever I need to go out [just that this one more scary] so it is already a well-established fact.
Yesterday, I read about this proof. Which is actually quite kok and you'd probably seen it before.
1) Girls = Time x Money [Assume]
2) Time = Money [Given, from Time is money]
3) Girls = Money x Money [From 1 and 2]
4) Girls = (Money)^2 [From 3]
5) Money = (Evil)^(1/2) [Given, from Money is the root of all evil]
6) Girls = ((Evil)^(1/2))^(2) [From 4 and 5]
7) Girls = Evil
Hence the conclusion that girls are evil stand whenever the assumption that girls require time and money holds true. Since most people believe that way [consensus of the majority (:O I just used THE majority I didn't say majority)], the conclusion Girls are Evil holds true.
I added the stuff in brackets myself, practice for Plane Geometry you see. And mathematical notation, which gives a precious 4 marks and can determine whether or not you A H3. Oh and the thing about THE majority was simply a common error Mrs Lee pointed out in class.
On the other hand, since girls require time and money, Girls = Time + Money. Therefore the conclusion does not hold true. And girls are not evil. Yay :)
Oh dear. THAT is an indicator of how BORED I am.
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Friday, August 24, 2007
Today is the last official day of school. For J2s at least I think. Don't think we'll be having lessons after that so yeah. So anti-climatic :(And whenever I think of no more school everyday stay at home and mug, it gets worse :( Because much as I complain of school during peak dance seasons [how going to school is a waste of time since I sleep through every single lesson], I prefer going to school to staying home and mugging very very much.
Ughs. So there's another two people applying to the same college as me and they are going to kick me out because they are PROs. OH MAN. Lucky Zhu Hui :S
I wonder what have I every done to believe that I deserve so much.
I feel like calling it a day and going to sleep. Hoping that everything will seem better when I wake up tomorrow. :(
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Thursday, August 23, 2007
Oh this is weird but just sitting in front my laptop and reading blogs and checking up Raffles Spydus for H3 Math books (and realising they all can't be borrowed) has just resulted in a horrible mood swing. So much for the good mood when I haven't started mugging yet still!Studying produces mood swings. Yes? No? I dunnoe lahhhhh WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME :(
c0mments
Just got back both H3 DE and Plane Geometry. Well, let's just say they gave me renewed hope for studying and aceing (is that how you spell) H3 [Junxin will agree with me :P] although I still believe I suffer from comparative disadvantage in DE. So that leaves me with pulling up my Combinatorics [from down in the dumps]. And mugging on tuesday wasn't effective at all. I only completed something like less than half of the 7 chapters and most of my tutorials were completed with the answers in front of me because I couldn't think at all! This is quite terrible :( Combinatorics is such a you-get-it-or-you-don't subject :(:( But there's still hope! And around one more month [I said this wouldn't be sad so it can't be now].
To all H3 Chem people: Study hard! And ace H3! Hehe. Looking at Shaun write reaction schemes trying to convert one compound into another today was really quite quite cool. Makes me wonder what I would be feeling now if I took H3 Chem. Would I be whining everyday [like Zhu Hui and Aster] or would I really enjoy it. Oh well, I don't know. Scarcity, choice and opportunity cost. I'm an economics man :P
Oh and before anyone accuses me of being bias, whatever your H3, study hard and do well ok? :P
Anyway. My sister has been acting like a SPOILT BRAT recently. Seriously. Like mu4 zhong1 wu2 ren2, thinks she's some DUNNOE WHO. It's getting on MY nerves.
On the other hand, I feel like I've been awfully awfully pampered recently. Maybe I'm the one being spoilt. Oh well. Lucky me though :P
Oh dear and now I'm looking at my Plane Geometry test and I don't know how to do a single thing! So there's no point even LOOKING at the thing to do corrections because I can't remember a single thing. So I guess it's back to mugging and not getting complacent [like walking into the LT today knowing I haven't really prepared for the test :S]. And preparing for GP next Monday because that's one of the unsteady subjects :S [so what am I doing online huh?]
Applications to universities are rather stressful. I'm not sure choosing a course which is notoriously difficult to get in for in a college which only accepts three students worldwide was wise. Oh well we shall see. But in the mean time, I'm suppose to stay optimistic and believe in myself [remember what the chem department said today? Hehe, and Zhu Hui pointed out how they recycle slides XD]. So, I must set goals and work towards them instead of worrying everyday that I wouldn't be able to reach them, because even if I don't manage to reach the moon, I wouldn't be in limbo! :P Some planetary mass will pull me back to earth XD
Mugging always leaves me in a horrible mood. Unless I'm in a mugging mood [which you see once in a purple moon, which is never]. So it's quite delightful to be still in a good mood right now [haha, I haven't started anything for today, maybe that's why]. But you can see from how I randomly skip from phrases out of different subjects how things are quite going over my head despite the minimal studying I've completed.
Now to start work and stop wasting time. Nothing's due tomorrow! :)
c0mments
Friday, August 17, 2007
Stressed. Suddenly, started having sudden bouts of panic attacks. Then, cannot focus, concentrate or even think straight.This is bad.
I have a lot of things to say but I can't say them now I can't seem to organise my thoughts. So much for it.
c0mments
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Oohhhhhh! I'm going mad. I seem to decide what to do with my future. And I can't settle down and study until I have settled THAT! Will there always be this sense of regret if I don't choose the subject I might look back at in the future? [Does that sentence make much sense?]Erps. The question of what scholarships and what universities and what courses are driving me mad!
Not to mention how I spilled soup all over my fingers when I was preparing lunch just now which resulted in blistering fingers now :@#$#@%$#(%
I think I need some counselling. Yucks.
c0mments
Friday, August 10, 2007
I've been having the oddest of mood swings recently :S So weird.Anyway. Class outing today which I can't go for again! Bah!
Haiz my back has been hurting the whole week but I should stop complaining shouldn't I? :S
This is random and whiny :S
c0mments
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Today was a rather special day. See? Everyone in the kitchen busying around. Preparing katsu don.
Well, except for me. I was studying math.
Or rather, trying.
It's way past time to start mugging but guess how successful I am?
Heh, the final product which doesn't look all that appetising here but is rather quite delicious. [And fatty, to add]
Ohhhh and I find it rather scary to be losing weight when I'm eating more than usual! I should rejoice, shouldn't I? But I'm not exercising which means I'm losing muscle and putting on weight.
My mum just got a new juicer which is quite cool. Other than the fact that she uses it to juice her celery / tomato / carrot combi which seriously doesn't taste that nice. Yeps. But see the layers? Quite cool ah?
But we got orange / starfruit juice yesterday which is nice :)
I think you can judge how bored am I or whether I've started studying by the number of photos I take. Seriously. It has to be damn boring if I start taking photos of the stuffed toys beside my bed [that I see everyday].
I'm bored, and confused, and a bit rotten feeling :( Haiz.
Anyway, was reading this email in a folder in my hotmail which I got wayyy back in sec 2. Strikes me how something I thought I always knew I could lose sight of and might have lost this thing very very important to me because I forgot something as simple as that. Figures huh? How life makes us lose touch of the very things which it constitutes.
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Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Oh before I forget, I really wanted to blog about National Day Celebrations we had yesterday. Yay :) It was great. Felt like I just got back to RGS, when celebrations were like carnivals, and everyone had fun. Instead of sitting around and getting boring and being cool and un-involved, which is sort of the feel I got over here. Yeah. So it was a great blast, congrats to all the organisers.The cool thing was, it was a school-wide celebration. Something rather hard to organise and coordinate much less held in school given our brimming school population and rather small school campus site. So Raffles Take 5! this year was held outside. And the rest of the celebrations merely had the school split into different places doing different things and not celebrating together. But it was cool to see the school transform into some sort of carnival yesterday with balloons and stalls [free food! *think jing xuan*] and tents and lasers and all sort of cool stuff. Yeah, we had a wonderful blast and it felt really cool to have this evening celebration!
Why am I getting high over this. But it felt great and I'm proud to be in such a cool school because I truly felt the school spirit yesterday again and also the patriotic spirit I'm sure we all have deep within us [no matter how cool you act].
Oh and it's wonderful how BB won [tie with BW] having caught up all the way from lagging behind by 22 points. At a point in time not even 2nd I believe. And having caught up and leading by 2 points before Mr/Miss Singapore [which was kind of boring yesterday :( Wen Jun was amusing though], yeps it's the house spirit and it was GGXX [borrowing boy's lingo] because we truly fought hard and believed. And it was great to see the unflagging spirit. Hehe, house spirit is rare to see in RJ [yet again]. And I sort of tried to put in an effort [which wasn't useful ultimately] but oh well.
Hehe enough rambling I should get down to work!
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But then. I was just commenting to Zhu Hui just now on how funny I can find the find all four of the people in BZA good friends enough that I tahan the bullying. I almost laughed when the QSE survey asked whether I was bullied in school! But Zhu Hui just broke my heart with this.
zhu says (1:26 PM):
u got no frend! juz like junx...
Ouch break my heart.
And I can't believe I'm going for the econs seminar next Saturday with the entire BZA! OH DEAR. What would happen. Like the previous time I went for BZA outing when there were only two members? Ahlala what am I thinking.
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Very confused about my future right now. Bother Bother Bother.
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I'm back to being a bookaholic and this is the wrong time I should be STUDYING.
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Monday, August 06, 2007
My RJC JourneyHehe, was just chatting with someone who had to do his "My RJC Journey" for his civics tutor so I was quite interested and since we aren't required to write it, thought I will blog some about it today. This will probably not be everything and will definitely have A LOT of withheld things but yeah, just some thoughts wanting to come out.
RJC was well, something of a challenge. No, not the part about getting into it. It was easy enough for me, or well, us. I somehow believe that RGS moderated too much to allow all of us to get through and that makes it rather unfair for the rest who had to enter through provisional entrance or joint entrance but who am I to speak of things like this? I don't really know what's the standard of students RJC accepts so perhaps the RGS administration was more informed in their decision making.
Yes, so RJC was not a challenge to enter. It was not also, as most would expect me to say, a challenge to survive. Yet, it is and still is a challenge for me, in many different ways.
Hailing from RGS, the biggest change in school life would be of course the prescence of guys. I think I have been cloistered from young. Not having much of a life, as in the usual teenage business of going out and meeting people given the protectiveness I experience from home, I didn't really know a lot of guys before entering this school. Upon entering this school however, I stuck to my all-girls Rhythmic Gymnastics [well there ARE guys in gymnastics] and also joined another all-girls Chinese Dance, so to speak of it I still don't know A LOT of guys. But well, perhaps this was all part of growing up. I mean, the whole world isn't woman-dominated [much as some feminists might like (no Lewis I'm not going to take Women Studies)] and there are guys who can be your good friends as well. The prescence of guys [for young RGS girls as INNOCENT as me] is actually not that different from those of girls, sincerely. Guys are well, just the opposite sex and while they may be stronger, bigger, they can also be good or bad, mean or kind, nice or not nice and the like. There are bitchy girls, and there are bitch guys. So while a common learning point we had was that guys _can_ bitch more than girls, they actuallly aren't that bad. [Please do NOT flame me I just posting random thoughts and comments.] Oh and in case you don't yet know, you CAN bully guys by making them hold doors open and clear plates for you :) And orientation is afterall a chance for you to ease into school life [I mean, think of all those silly girl-guy games!]
JC, is well, also the time when you progress from 16-18 [I'm talking about the average]. It is the time you progress both cognitively and emotionally. Somehow this JC life has seen me through an emotional joyride, though I would like to believe I gained a lot through this process as well. These two JC years have probably seen more tears than the past few years placed together [excluding sec 1 when I think I spent the first month in a state of almost constant tears and no I'm not going to explain why]. There were frustrations, stress(es), trying to cope with demands from all sides without giving way. People speak of me as a perfectionist. Yes I do admit that I AM perfectionistic sometimes and I do not want to allow my grades to slide while I'm busying myself with dance and gym and I do not want my dance and gym to fall back while I need to keep up with other outside stuff as well. Life is actually a balance you know. Like how so many people told us about how it's like a plate where there is a maximum capacity and you sometimes have to take things out in order to place other things there. The thing is, as economists will tell you, a country can have potential growth. And as long as potential growth keeps up with actual growth, inflation will largely be keep intact. So, Zhi Xu wants to be that "Little Superhero Girl" who can do everything, not drop anything, and do everything well. Isn't it scary sometimes? But humans grow, I'm growing, and I believe I can handle more things as a grow other. No doubt I might break down, and thanks to everyone who have cheered me up, showed concern or thought of me when I am down [or when I am not down as well] but while coping with all those things I learnt give and take, I learnt time management [cliched yes I know but how true is that]
Sorry I HAD to add this insert. Nicole / Timi / Dobby just said she imagines me as a very stern mother! Oh and look at this
nicole`en ping~ says (11:17 PM):
i can imagine you like
nicole`en ping~ says (11:17 PM):
sitting in a business suit
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
then your children will run up and like
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
mummy i got straight As again!
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
then you'll be like very good dear
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
have you finished your homework?
Am I that bad?
and among many other things, I believe that I have to mention personal relations [LOL so related to what I mentioned about Nicole just now]. Do I always portray the image of a scary and dao and calm, cool, collected person? [Alliteration for emphasis]. I don't know, the image I projected back at RGS seems to be like that and probably over here as well. But people who know me, know I'm not like that, right? I'm not sure what gives others the impression but that always seem to happen [I don't know what I can do about it also]. But this whole new experience of getting to meet people again and getting close to people was refreshing. You get to learn more people, learn more of different sort of people and as you grow up and people watch you know better how to identify different things, emotions, expressions as well [thanks you know who you are for that lesson that day anyway]. And well [oh this sparked my interest in pyschology although I don't think it's very related], you get to go into more difficult situations in which you don't know what to do and yet you have to do something about it. Let me admit something here, something which would have been rather bad to talk about sometime ago but I believe the people involved will forgive me if I speak of it now. Being the IC for J2 dance item this year, there were A LOT of choices to be made. Sincerely in dance, there is always the issue of who dances better, and who gets to dance more sections of dance and things like that. I am not saying that dance is very selective, this is what I believe the nature of almost everything, and in striving to get better you do not slow down the growth of people who can do well in order to allow others to catch up, instead, you should capitalise on what others CAN already do and at the same time pull people who aren't there yet up to the higher standard. This may sound mean but yes I this is what I believe. And I also believe that while we all entered the CCA at different rates, some having no dance background at all, some having dance / gym background but without chinese dance background while some already have chinese dance background [and I think our batch is really blessed to have people like that], we have helped each other grow and I think our batch is really successful in this sense. But before I bring myself too far off tangent, there still exists this gap within our batch. And that's why you see laoshi selecting people for different sections of the dance and different formations and things like that [yes I do know this is brutal although I wasn't directly involved in the whole messy affair] and that is sort of what happened in J2 dance as well. Especially, when we first started out. You see, the idea for the dance was obtained from a video. And yes it was a male dance. And yes it requires a lot of technique. So naturally there are some people better in dancing, and there are some people better in technique, and we had to choose. Vernus, Xin Ying and I had to choose. Well mostly Vernus and I but we had to choose. And choose we did. I think there were some people who weren't satisfied. Like people who would ask us why they weren't chosen for the starting part. People who had things to offer but which we deemed unsuitable or other things like that. Or not wanting to mix up formations later and order of the jump out part which we had to slog through as well. But it was torturous. Yes we know this is THE J2 dance. It is our combined effort of showcase ourselves and bring forward our passion, to dream, to soar, to fly. But this is also the first time I am choreographing a dance for a major production [I'm not sure about Vernus]. Gym efforts are discounted here because they are mainly the whole group think together sort. And this is the time where I'm put in charge of an item. I organise sessions, drills, pushing people towards the goal and things like that. I do want things to be quite so perfect. No I do not believe that we are all perfect dancers. No I do not think that the dancers I have chosen would be the best choice. I just made the choice and I hope to get away with it. And yes, I do understand how everyone wants to play a part. It was rather difficult. But our dancers are nice and supportive and UNDERSTANDING. So while I learnt more about coping with pressures of expectations or other things the interaction with my dancers rather made me do that in a safe haven [I love you guys].
And then there are the other things as well. Learning more in class, learning more in handling things, learning more about the world in general. Classes. Well, I do admit that I have slept through quite a lot of my lessons this year [hopefully people can still agree with me that my grades do not really reflect all of that although they aren't exceptional]. But after this whole term thus far of not falling asleep, I believe it is rather a matter of strength of mind [Yes I admit that I used to dance 6 / 7 days a week and now 0 but I suppose I could tahan it if I really wanted]. So learning. Learning is a BIG part in JC life. Learning how the world works, learning more about your text material, learning how the macroeconomy works [think econs and how much it is related to our lives] and learning bascially. I don't know, what I valued the most in what I have learnt in class these two years is the inter-relatedness of our topics, and how applicable it is to our lives. [Oh dear I sound like an advert for Raffles Programme don't I?]
Well next topic. Dreams. [I happen to be discussing it a bit right now so I thought I'd mention it.] Do you have a dream? Something you have wished for since young and worked for all these years? I don't you know. Yes I may have had dreams, and though I would stick to them but no I'm a scardey cat as well. Afraid that I would dream too big. And end up disappointing myself when I fail. Which well, is hard to predict. People may have confidence in you but I don't have that much confidence in myself! As this friend of mine likes to say [to me and Zhu Hui], "You guys always underestimate yourself one." Oh well. That may have been true in that case but I wish it could be true all the time. And how you won't know if I were secretly hoping "Oh if only if only I can get A" and then I go "Die lahhh like cannot do all the questions and not enough time" and well "if only if only" is my no confidence in myself but it DOES spark a bit of hope that the A is reachable and that hope DIES when I don't manage it. So. I'm scared. Basically, for what my future holds for me. For whether things right now can remain steady. And things in the future can go smoothly. I'm scared of deciding right now what I want to do as a profession. I'm scared for how when I choose a scholarship I am in fact choosing what I will do for the next 10 years of my thus far rather short life [it's more than 50% you know! I'm not even 18 yettt]. I'm scared of choosing something I might not like in the future. The private / public, local / overseas, scholarship / stay in singapore [no I will not let my parents even THINK of paying for me, UK / US, which universities, what majors, specialised / broad-based, liberal arts? And I am thinking about it. I have been reflecting all this while and I am going through my options. But it is intimidating and it is daunting and it is stressful given how we currently are supposed to have started studying for prelims as well [and see I spend the whole night blogging] but I think it is worth it.
Ohhhh this soooo isn't doing me justice I have a lot more to speak of but I can't think right now [I think I switch off rather early] and I need my beauty sleep [see I sound bimbotic] especially after the physical exertion today [oh I'm growing old] and what's with my side comments! Good night :)
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Friday, August 03, 2007
Omg SNEAKY. But yeah that's what we did on Racial Harmony Day.
3 hour long meeting today. Zhi Xu is concise and doesn't waste words. But omg so tired :((
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Thursday, August 02, 2007
Tired. :(( Blame myself for sleeping so late for so many nights running.--
My study plan started only on Tuesday. And it failed yesterday. Yeps. And I didn't finish my allocated work load on Tuesday as well. Erms.
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I'm trying to convince myself I'm not that much a failure. :(
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Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I seem to get headaches with alarming frequency recently. Why. I used to think that headaches are stuff you get when you are thinking too hard for too long but headaches are now irritating things that happen when you aren't even thinking hard or anything.Go Away!
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Zhi Xu to her body. This IS irritating. If you are going to be sick. Then BE sick. Don't be sick be fine be sick be fine. I can't even go home and sleep everyday because I'm not sick ENOUGH to miss lessons and work and yet I can't really concentrate as well! Arghs. The half-sickness is driving me mad! :@
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Wah I think I'm addicted to The Economist. I just finished the most recent issue before the next is due to come!
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