_behind the scenes_
zhi xu.
30/10/89
likes: purple!
gymnast(:
chinese dancer
_archives_
- July 2006
- August 2006
- September 2006
- October 2006
- November 2006
- December 2006
- January 2007
- February 2007
- March 2007
- April 2007
- May 2007
- June 2007
- July 2007
- August 2007
- September 2007
- October 2007
- November 2007
- December 2007
- January 2008
- February 2008
_frens_
8+1!! | abbY* | alison
whiny aster | belle* | chermaine
chianyeh | class | cheryl y | evelyn
jing xuan | mandre | su(mar)wan | nikki
ramona | pamela maria loo jing ling
rach wong | raisin | suelynn | wenhao
yamz! | yihui(: | yiwei
zhunian!
_wishlist_
black clubs! | tie dyed ribbon
new wallet | black hoop
sasaki ball!!
_tagboard_
Monday, July 30, 2007
Ooooh, I feel like going to cut hair! Haha see how lahh... Cutting hair today would be too much a waste of shopping time. [I feel and sound like a bimbo UGHS].--
Read read read. Shall try to finish the 2nd last issue of The Economist today so that I can start on the 28th one so that I won't lag behind and drag the three people behind me down as well. Yeps yeps. [But that means less shopping time right? :(]
Finished my book on Development as Freedom AND Harry Potter this week [Seeeeee not bimbotic already] and I'm starting to go back into bookwormish mode. Not bookwormish/muggerish mode but bookwormish as in seriously read random books mode. Ahhh... This will not help my grades.
--
Tcah, I wonder how many people read my blog. It's kinda scary when people you don't know read actually read. [Horrible grammar but I hope you get what I mean] Hmmm. Back to the other blog for private posts or to update my diary again? Heee. But recently don't have much private thoughts to whine about because mostly I will just talk about it. So at least good lahh :)
--
Ok Zhi Xu shan't waste shopping time she'll go read now!
c0mments
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Ok that was really weird just now but I guess it's fine now. Just not used to it I suppose.--
Thank goodness for being able to confess and talk to you about it. I could still me worrying on and on about it! Yesterday was quite scary but I'm glad you asked and I could tell you about it. It made me feel guilty though but I'm super thankful you understand and can accept.
I shall continue to fail the number 1 for you and strive hard to pass with flying colours the alternative of your 49 ok? :)
c0mments
Friday, July 27, 2007
This week has been rather torturous. The fever / flu / headache combination wasn't exactly one of the best. But I'm glad to say I've survived it. And survived all the tests as well [although I'll probably do badly in all of them]. The thing is, was seriously considering not going to school on Thursday and Friday. Especially on Thursday as I had a throbbing headache the whole night before and couldn't really sleep well. But I forced myself to turn up in school the next day so as not to miss any of the tests because I hate retests. Doing test papers alone somehow isn't a nice feeling. But I couldn't really think during the tests lah so bleah.--
Was quite troubled this whole week and thinking about a lot of things. It's hard to accept sometimes that you are not doing as well as you like. Or as well as you thought you were doing. And I know I'm not doing what I can, to work hard, to strive, for my goal, for my own future. It's like knowing that by just pushing yourself one inch further, clinging on to targets I set for myself, keeping clear of temptations, I could make a change, make a difference. And yet I do exactly the opposite.
What am I thinking seriously? Why am I not pushing myself hard enough. It's like I just feel like giving up. What's ahead of me seriously? What have I done to think that I would be worthy enough, that I deserve something? What makes me worthwhile?
It's quite depressing thinking about things like this. I used to believe that I could distract myself with work. Now, I think differently. Doing work isn't exactly useful right now. I can't focus, I can't keep track of my own train of thoughts sometimes and my work end up of a horrible quality as well.
I need a breather.
--
I think it's rather mad that the school crammed four tests into one week. Teachers of various subjects are all planning revisions for us as if there are no other subjects taught in the same school. Piling chunks of work upon us with due dates that all happen to clash isn't enjoyable. Neither is studying for test after test, cramming my mind with information I know I can't remember after the test the next day when all I want in fact is just to sleep off my headache or fever.
While I do know that this is how preparations for A levels is like. While I still am able to cope with the work. What the school is giving to us, revision worksheets and countless revision test aren't going to work with my own study timetable [not that I've already come up with one]. But I have my own system of doing things. From starting with topics in my own order, placing things easier first so that I feel safer and more confident for the rest of the things I'm going to study later own., to my own policy of "Don't waste the tests", placing all revision worksheets and practice tests to the last, after I've finished my revision and am actually ready for the test. Going into tests feeling like a dumbhead, not being able to think clearly, or not prepared for the test IS wasting the precious opportunities we have AND making us feel stupid and lose confidence in ourselves. Seriously.
I don't know. I suppose it's just more about adapting to the way things are done in school. Finding time to revise for the revision tests, and do work, and do my own revision is a scary feat I fear attempting. I must start though. Yes I know it. I'm trying to start.
--
I know what should come first. My school work. Yet reading, both books and the economist are such a part of what I do everyday already. Yes I know I may be mad to read every single article but it's interesting. I like it. But I know I should put it aside for prelims. Or at least in keeping up with school work.
Which really brings to mind the question. What are we studying for? For the A's? Or for ourselves. Because the A's is seriously only a short term goal and all the reading might do nothing towards it. But reading, absorbing, that's a different thing. I don't know. Somehow I'm not really clear what lies ahead of me, or what I want 10 years down the road. I do have a goal, but that isn't the ulitmate goal. Hmmm. I really don't know.
--
I am really really thankful for something which happened today. A load off my mind.
--
I don't see what's so important about those sort of things but your earnestness about that is really scary. And how you are upset about it. I still don't know what those stuff are for and I don't know what to say as well. Hmmm...
--
Fear. I fear I'm not doing things the right way, handling things maturely, doing justice to you as well as myself. Hmmm.
--
I gave up on yet another something this week that I know I'm going to regret. Choice? It's painful.
--
I wish you would keep to your word. And fulfill my own request in such a long long time. You've already dragged this for more than a month, I don't think I can survive without it for any longer. :(
--
Oh well this sounds rather depressing isn't it? Back to read my book. And try to focus. What a long and draggy entry. Congrats for making it to the end.
c0mments
Monday, July 23, 2007
Hectic week. Take a deep breath, dive in. Don't think.Or you will end up drowning in sorrow and pain. I think I just lost a friend.
c0mments
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Yesterday was a totally hectic day. EDB in the morning, econs quiz in the afternoon and dance farewell at night. Not to mention Friday was the whole day stay in the school and chiong homework so that I would be more free to go for team dinner at night which left me going home late and sleeping late and I slept late last night watching tv as well and woke up early early this morning because the aircon was too cold and I couldn't sleep :SOutings with the gym people are always fun. But fatty. Recently I have gone out to eat Long John's, Mos, Fish and Co, Delifrance AND on Friday Seoul Garden as well. Needless to say my diet is failing :S
I walked from J8 to school in less than 10 minutes yesterday. Or maybe I took more than 10 as I reached school later than 1pm. But that's still a feat. And I reached hot and sweaty and without lunch. So was starving by refreshment good thing Zhu Hui decided to eat.
Which reminds me of my $20 Borders Book Voucher :) And the BZA should bring me on their next outing to spend their Kino Vouchers as well. Set?
Yesterday was the first BZA official outing. Why did I have to go with them :S Silly right. That Zhi Xu went for the Bully Zhi Xu Alliance outing :S Good thing Zhu Hui pretended she was neutral -.-
Haha. And they form my 猪朋狗友. Zhu for Zhu of course but Lewis becomes a dog. Tsk. Still dare to take a lift from me.
Stuff myself with distractions. Go study now Zhi Xu.
Wah pain. I never wanted it to be like that and still don't. It doesn't have to be like that right? Why do I always have to give up one thing for another. And I thought I had already made it quite clear the other time. I'm trying to do as you say. And leave you alone for now. But please please don't let it all end like that. It sucks. I hate myself for being like that.
c0mments
Monday, July 16, 2007
Something's been bugging me for ages for ages. Can't seem to tell what.Crazy day ahead of me. Suppose I should go sleep now. Or. After reading a bit more of the economist :(
c0mments
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Those were the good days.
Koped this just from Gerry's blog. I wouldn't label the pic "My favourite picture" huh. I wonder why I _still_ do not have so many gym concert pictures :(
Gerry if you read this I do have your spider leotard now!
c0mments
Today, while standing there doing nothing, my ankle twisted and I had to wait for a while before it twisted back. Like some jing1 or something shifted and momentarily couldn't shift back. Yucks it hurts. And the regularity of it happening recently is scary. Ughs.
I'm kind of afraid for what the future holds for me. I guess I should start planning, focusing and my goal and working towards it. Just. I need a lot of time to consider and choose. Anyone willing to help me in giving advice?
c0mments
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Yucks. Zhi Xu's diet is miserably failing. Maybe I should change my phone's wallpaper. To.... Something more drastic. :S
c0mments
Gym comp yesterday was really really tiring considering that I went offline at about 1.30 and slept at about 2 in the morning. And then. Went there at 8am thanks to Christine who told me sec school dan ren starts at 8 [I was like HUH???] and then had to sit through TONS of primary school routines. UGHS.
But we got a 1 2 3 8, 1 2 6, 1 2 4, 1 3 4 for our results [rope, hoop, clubs, ribbon]. 3 [and probably 4, I didn't count] individual all-around even when none of our gymnasts did all 4 routines and team gold. Even Zhi Xu has a gold medal.
Well done people man :) You guys rock :) And of course RGS B div kept the title :) If I'm not wrong, 7th year running. Yeps.
The day ended late late and we only left Yishun Gym at 9+pm and headed off to Dhoby Ghaut to eat Fish And Co. Haha. The Primitives [J2s] shared 3 dishes and while the Cool [J1s] each were cool and ordered their own dish. And drink :P LOL. But the primitives were cool and de-skinned the fatty fish and handed the skin to the only cool who wasn't already eating fish. HAHA. So we stay skinny.
Eeeks. Who am I kidding. Our J1s are all so much thinner than us.
And so ended the day. I reached home at about 12 :S And after bathing konked out immediately, waking at 12.30pm today :P
Aster send me photos please!
c0mments
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I realised. Recently I've been blogging a lot less than usual. Hmm... Guess why.Er. Gym today was finally fun. Did Aster's routines for Rope, Hoop and Clubs [DIED for clubs she has the weirdest ping hens and the most undoable forward roll. I can do it from standing up position but how do you forward roll from a kneeling positions ouch my poor head]. Aster is crazy. She likes jumps A LOT A LOT the spinning stag jete which I can't do and sha pao into the air and hopefully the apparatus doesn't affect elevation for jumps. Then played with my own chuans which is fun too. I think I like rope now lah. But nopes. Shall not regret making my decisions no matter what.
Haha. Next time I should be execution judge. SO FUN! But maybe everyone dieeeee. Like can choose to be quite strict :P Then here 0.1, there 0.2, then think that person fat then anyhow say that actions incomplete minus somemore. Ok I'm not that mean. Haha. But fat maybe cannot jump as high or legs wobble unless you are very very pro. Haha. Img if i judge myself. Maybe I get -19.95 from execution :P
Eh. Shou Pa was fun today :D I actually learnt quite fast. But I haven't touched it yet since I left the canteen. Maybe. Horror of horror. I will find that I can't do anything when I next pick it up again!
Eeks. Maybe. Next time I shouldn't complain so much. Or pre-empt so much. Cos. People won't believe me when I really die but I really expected myself to die can't you understand. But really. Ahhh I don't know what to say about this.
Hmm. Sometimes I think. I de chun jing chi. I can't stop myself. From hoping.
Haha. Whines Zhi Xu. Stop whining!
Omy this is incoherent :S
c0mments
Sunday, July 08, 2007
1 week to gym comp. Wishing all gymnasts the best week ever! Jiayou this is the last stretch! We can do this.Raffles Rhythmic Rocks :)
-
I used to think. I can pride myself in my determination. To stick to it till the end. I need it very much now and every ounce of concentration counts. I will fight myself. And I will win.
Went running just now. Realised how much I've lost my stamina. And partly it was how I was feeling before I started running as well. But it was quite xin ku.
Anyway. I had this mental conversation with myself throughout the run [good thing I didn't slip and fall over the drains or wander off the path and _re_sprain my ankle or anything]. Then I realised it's not so much what I think I can do. It's more of what I set out to do.
Sometimes the pressure of having people around you expect you to be unable to do something makes you actually incapable. I don't know. It's something like peer pressure but not exactly. Like when people expect you to fail it suddenly becomes not-so-bad to fail. It become acceptable. I mean. People expect you to do so isn't it? But it isn't. It has never been.
So while I was running. And half dying, it occurred to me. When people expect me to fail. And I let them affect me. Who's actually looking down on me? Myself. And who thinks I can't do this? Me. What's so disappointing is me looking down on myself. So the only obstacle in front of me is actually me.
I don't know. This isn't some sudden realisation. It's something I've known all along. I've followed all along. Somehow I lost it along the way recently. And I've refound it. Something like a re-discovery.
-
Hehs. The sad thing is. This is exactly what's bothering me. Just. I can survive it all. I can keep control. I can keep running. I won't stop because I know what's stopping me is just myself.
Given my weariness then. I just afraid of what's going to happen to me if I keep going on like this. Keep holding on to control. When I know I'm near breaking point many times a day.
But I have no choice. Do I. I can only keep running. Keep breathing. Keep going on.
-
I'm still not mad yet :) And I think I can survive it afterall.
c0mments
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Of.Hope I'm still trying to hope
Love I'm still trying to love
Luck I'm clinging on to the chance of luck
Faith I'm trying to keep my faith
The four petals of the four leaf clover you gave to me.
c0mments
Friday, July 06, 2007
I must keep holding on. I musn't lose my mind.c0mments
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Philosophy Essay to be done in class tomorrow. Howww... Screams.I like philo classes because they are usually very thought provoking. But things like a philo question on your worldview. I really think that I don't have an established worldview yet. But tomorrow might be a good chance to start probing [ok maybe more than start but actualise and materialise my thoughts out loud] but I somehow do not think I would be able to organise my convoluted thoughts in a simple essay just like that. I need ages and ages to think and consider and argue with myself before trying to summarise my own thoughts.
Hmm.... That brings me to something I thought about a long time ago. The educational system of encouraging questioning in class, to the extent of grading students on class participation and vocal-ness, actually penalises people like me who need a lot of time to think and consider question before coming up with an answer. While some are able to be vocal and voice out thoughts before they actually take shape or are able to think quickly and answer questions in class, others would take time to consider the question and formulate reasonings, testing it out mentally before vocalising them which would of course not be effective in class discussions which also move rapidly.
Speaking of which. I still have a philo essay to write tomorrow and I haven't started choosing my topic. Laughs.
c0mments
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
You tell me now it's ok to cry. You tell me now it's ok to lose control. It's too late. You've lost me already. Do you still think I would be able to confess to you. When in the past it brought all jeers and more pain? Do you still think I would be able to take it, after all that has been done?You admit human faults. When you meet with them. You were blind to them previously. Ouch.
I really don't know. I feel evil for not being touched now. I am showing care and concern. But inside I can't felt feeling somewhat disgusted. And I'm feeling disgusted at myself as well. Save me I think I'm going mad. I would snap internally and then berate myself for doing that. And then I would quarrel with myself and I can't concentrate at all. And this all has reduced me to a rotten mood the whole day. I really don't know what to do :'(
Another you. I think we are drifting apart I don't know why and I don't know what to do and I don't even know whether I have the right to do something about it.
c0mments