_behind the scenes_
zhi xu.
30/10/89
likes: purple!
gymnast(:
chinese dancer
_archives_
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_frens_
8+1!! | abbY* | alison
whiny aster | belle* | chermaine
chianyeh | class | cheryl y | evelyn
jing xuan | mandre | su(mar)wan | nikki
ramona | pamela maria loo jing ling
rach wong | raisin | suelynn | wenhao
yamz! | yihui(: | yiwei
zhunian!
_wishlist_
black clubs! | tie dyed ribbon
new wallet | black hoop
sasaki ball!!
_tagboard_
Sunday, July 08, 2007
1 week to gym comp. Wishing all gymnasts the best week ever! Jiayou this is the last stretch! We can do this.Raffles Rhythmic Rocks :)
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I used to think. I can pride myself in my determination. To stick to it till the end. I need it very much now and every ounce of concentration counts. I will fight myself. And I will win.
Went running just now. Realised how much I've lost my stamina. And partly it was how I was feeling before I started running as well. But it was quite xin ku.
Anyway. I had this mental conversation with myself throughout the run [good thing I didn't slip and fall over the drains or wander off the path and _re_sprain my ankle or anything]. Then I realised it's not so much what I think I can do. It's more of what I set out to do.
Sometimes the pressure of having people around you expect you to be unable to do something makes you actually incapable. I don't know. It's something like peer pressure but not exactly. Like when people expect you to fail it suddenly becomes not-so-bad to fail. It become acceptable. I mean. People expect you to do so isn't it? But it isn't. It has never been.
So while I was running. And half dying, it occurred to me. When people expect me to fail. And I let them affect me. Who's actually looking down on me? Myself. And who thinks I can't do this? Me. What's so disappointing is me looking down on myself. So the only obstacle in front of me is actually me.
I don't know. This isn't some sudden realisation. It's something I've known all along. I've followed all along. Somehow I lost it along the way recently. And I've refound it. Something like a re-discovery.
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Hehs. The sad thing is. This is exactly what's bothering me. Just. I can survive it all. I can keep control. I can keep running. I won't stop because I know what's stopping me is just myself.
Given my weariness then. I just afraid of what's going to happen to me if I keep going on like this. Keep holding on to control. When I know I'm near breaking point many times a day.
But I have no choice. Do I. I can only keep running. Keep breathing. Keep going on.
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I'm still not mad yet :) And I think I can survive it afterall.
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