_behind the scenes_
zhi xu.
30/10/89
likes: purple!
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chinese dancer
_archives_
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_frens_
8+1!! | abbY* | alison
whiny aster | belle* | chermaine
chianyeh | class | cheryl y | evelyn
jing xuan | mandre | su(mar)wan | nikki
ramona | pamela maria loo jing ling
rach wong | raisin | suelynn | wenhao
yamz! | yihui(: | yiwei
zhunian!
_wishlist_
black clubs! | tie dyed ribbon
new wallet | black hoop
sasaki ball!!
_tagboard_
Friday, July 27, 2007
This week has been rather torturous. The fever / flu / headache combination wasn't exactly one of the best. But I'm glad to say I've survived it. And survived all the tests as well [although I'll probably do badly in all of them]. The thing is, was seriously considering not going to school on Thursday and Friday. Especially on Thursday as I had a throbbing headache the whole night before and couldn't really sleep well. But I forced myself to turn up in school the next day so as not to miss any of the tests because I hate retests. Doing test papers alone somehow isn't a nice feeling. But I couldn't really think during the tests lah so bleah.--
Was quite troubled this whole week and thinking about a lot of things. It's hard to accept sometimes that you are not doing as well as you like. Or as well as you thought you were doing. And I know I'm not doing what I can, to work hard, to strive, for my goal, for my own future. It's like knowing that by just pushing yourself one inch further, clinging on to targets I set for myself, keeping clear of temptations, I could make a change, make a difference. And yet I do exactly the opposite.
What am I thinking seriously? Why am I not pushing myself hard enough. It's like I just feel like giving up. What's ahead of me seriously? What have I done to think that I would be worthy enough, that I deserve something? What makes me worthwhile?
It's quite depressing thinking about things like this. I used to believe that I could distract myself with work. Now, I think differently. Doing work isn't exactly useful right now. I can't focus, I can't keep track of my own train of thoughts sometimes and my work end up of a horrible quality as well.
I need a breather.
--
I think it's rather mad that the school crammed four tests into one week. Teachers of various subjects are all planning revisions for us as if there are no other subjects taught in the same school. Piling chunks of work upon us with due dates that all happen to clash isn't enjoyable. Neither is studying for test after test, cramming my mind with information I know I can't remember after the test the next day when all I want in fact is just to sleep off my headache or fever.
While I do know that this is how preparations for A levels is like. While I still am able to cope with the work. What the school is giving to us, revision worksheets and countless revision test aren't going to work with my own study timetable [not that I've already come up with one]. But I have my own system of doing things. From starting with topics in my own order, placing things easier first so that I feel safer and more confident for the rest of the things I'm going to study later own., to my own policy of "Don't waste the tests", placing all revision worksheets and practice tests to the last, after I've finished my revision and am actually ready for the test. Going into tests feeling like a dumbhead, not being able to think clearly, or not prepared for the test IS wasting the precious opportunities we have AND making us feel stupid and lose confidence in ourselves. Seriously.
I don't know. I suppose it's just more about adapting to the way things are done in school. Finding time to revise for the revision tests, and do work, and do my own revision is a scary feat I fear attempting. I must start though. Yes I know it. I'm trying to start.
--
I know what should come first. My school work. Yet reading, both books and the economist are such a part of what I do everyday already. Yes I know I may be mad to read every single article but it's interesting. I like it. But I know I should put it aside for prelims. Or at least in keeping up with school work.
Which really brings to mind the question. What are we studying for? For the A's? Or for ourselves. Because the A's is seriously only a short term goal and all the reading might do nothing towards it. But reading, absorbing, that's a different thing. I don't know. Somehow I'm not really clear what lies ahead of me, or what I want 10 years down the road. I do have a goal, but that isn't the ulitmate goal. Hmmm. I really don't know.
--
I am really really thankful for something which happened today. A load off my mind.
--
I don't see what's so important about those sort of things but your earnestness about that is really scary. And how you are upset about it. I still don't know what those stuff are for and I don't know what to say as well. Hmmm...
--
Fear. I fear I'm not doing things the right way, handling things maturely, doing justice to you as well as myself. Hmmm.
--
I gave up on yet another something this week that I know I'm going to regret. Choice? It's painful.
--
I wish you would keep to your word. And fulfill my own request in such a long long time. You've already dragged this for more than a month, I don't think I can survive without it for any longer. :(
--
Oh well this sounds rather depressing isn't it? Back to read my book. And try to focus. What a long and draggy entry. Congrats for making it to the end.
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