_behind the scenes_
zhi xu.
30/10/89
likes: purple!
gymnast(:
chinese dancer
_archives_
- July 2006
- August 2006
- September 2006
- October 2006
- November 2006
- December 2006
- January 2007
- February 2007
- March 2007
- April 2007
- May 2007
- June 2007
- July 2007
- August 2007
- September 2007
- October 2007
- November 2007
- December 2007
- January 2008
- February 2008
_frens_
8+1!! | abbY* | alison
whiny aster | belle* | chermaine
chianyeh | class | cheryl y | evelyn
jing xuan | mandre | su(mar)wan | nikki
ramona | pamela maria loo jing ling
rach wong | raisin | suelynn | wenhao
yamz! | yihui(: | yiwei
zhunian!
_wishlist_
black clubs! | tie dyed ribbon
new wallet | black hoop
sasaki ball!!
_tagboard_
Monday, August 06, 2007
My RJC JourneyHehe, was just chatting with someone who had to do his "My RJC Journey" for his civics tutor so I was quite interested and since we aren't required to write it, thought I will blog some about it today. This will probably not be everything and will definitely have A LOT of withheld things but yeah, just some thoughts wanting to come out.
RJC was well, something of a challenge. No, not the part about getting into it. It was easy enough for me, or well, us. I somehow believe that RGS moderated too much to allow all of us to get through and that makes it rather unfair for the rest who had to enter through provisional entrance or joint entrance but who am I to speak of things like this? I don't really know what's the standard of students RJC accepts so perhaps the RGS administration was more informed in their decision making.
Yes, so RJC was not a challenge to enter. It was not also, as most would expect me to say, a challenge to survive. Yet, it is and still is a challenge for me, in many different ways.
Hailing from RGS, the biggest change in school life would be of course the prescence of guys. I think I have been cloistered from young. Not having much of a life, as in the usual teenage business of going out and meeting people given the protectiveness I experience from home, I didn't really know a lot of guys before entering this school. Upon entering this school however, I stuck to my all-girls Rhythmic Gymnastics [well there ARE guys in gymnastics] and also joined another all-girls Chinese Dance, so to speak of it I still don't know A LOT of guys. But well, perhaps this was all part of growing up. I mean, the whole world isn't woman-dominated [much as some feminists might like (no Lewis I'm not going to take Women Studies)] and there are guys who can be your good friends as well. The prescence of guys [for young RGS girls as INNOCENT as me] is actually not that different from those of girls, sincerely. Guys are well, just the opposite sex and while they may be stronger, bigger, they can also be good or bad, mean or kind, nice or not nice and the like. There are bitchy girls, and there are bitch guys. So while a common learning point we had was that guys _can_ bitch more than girls, they actuallly aren't that bad. [Please do NOT flame me I just posting random thoughts and comments.] Oh and in case you don't yet know, you CAN bully guys by making them hold doors open and clear plates for you :) And orientation is afterall a chance for you to ease into school life [I mean, think of all those silly girl-guy games!]
JC, is well, also the time when you progress from 16-18 [I'm talking about the average]. It is the time you progress both cognitively and emotionally. Somehow this JC life has seen me through an emotional joyride, though I would like to believe I gained a lot through this process as well. These two JC years have probably seen more tears than the past few years placed together [excluding sec 1 when I think I spent the first month in a state of almost constant tears and no I'm not going to explain why]. There were frustrations, stress(es), trying to cope with demands from all sides without giving way. People speak of me as a perfectionist. Yes I do admit that I AM perfectionistic sometimes and I do not want to allow my grades to slide while I'm busying myself with dance and gym and I do not want my dance and gym to fall back while I need to keep up with other outside stuff as well. Life is actually a balance you know. Like how so many people told us about how it's like a plate where there is a maximum capacity and you sometimes have to take things out in order to place other things there. The thing is, as economists will tell you, a country can have potential growth. And as long as potential growth keeps up with actual growth, inflation will largely be keep intact. So, Zhi Xu wants to be that "Little Superhero Girl" who can do everything, not drop anything, and do everything well. Isn't it scary sometimes? But humans grow, I'm growing, and I believe I can handle more things as a grow other. No doubt I might break down, and thanks to everyone who have cheered me up, showed concern or thought of me when I am down [or when I am not down as well] but while coping with all those things I learnt give and take, I learnt time management [cliched yes I know but how true is that]
Sorry I HAD to add this insert. Nicole / Timi / Dobby just said she imagines me as a very stern mother! Oh and look at this
nicole`en ping~ says (11:17 PM):
i can imagine you like
nicole`en ping~ says (11:17 PM):
sitting in a business suit
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
then your children will run up and like
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
mummy i got straight As again!
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
then you'll be like very good dear
nicole`en ping~ says (11:18 PM):
have you finished your homework?
Am I that bad?
and among many other things, I believe that I have to mention personal relations [LOL so related to what I mentioned about Nicole just now]. Do I always portray the image of a scary and dao and calm, cool, collected person? [Alliteration for emphasis]. I don't know, the image I projected back at RGS seems to be like that and probably over here as well. But people who know me, know I'm not like that, right? I'm not sure what gives others the impression but that always seem to happen [I don't know what I can do about it also]. But this whole new experience of getting to meet people again and getting close to people was refreshing. You get to learn more people, learn more of different sort of people and as you grow up and people watch you know better how to identify different things, emotions, expressions as well [thanks you know who you are for that lesson that day anyway]. And well [oh this sparked my interest in pyschology although I don't think it's very related], you get to go into more difficult situations in which you don't know what to do and yet you have to do something about it. Let me admit something here, something which would have been rather bad to talk about sometime ago but I believe the people involved will forgive me if I speak of it now. Being the IC for J2 dance item this year, there were A LOT of choices to be made. Sincerely in dance, there is always the issue of who dances better, and who gets to dance more sections of dance and things like that. I am not saying that dance is very selective, this is what I believe the nature of almost everything, and in striving to get better you do not slow down the growth of people who can do well in order to allow others to catch up, instead, you should capitalise on what others CAN already do and at the same time pull people who aren't there yet up to the higher standard. This may sound mean but yes I this is what I believe. And I also believe that while we all entered the CCA at different rates, some having no dance background at all, some having dance / gym background but without chinese dance background while some already have chinese dance background [and I think our batch is really blessed to have people like that], we have helped each other grow and I think our batch is really successful in this sense. But before I bring myself too far off tangent, there still exists this gap within our batch. And that's why you see laoshi selecting people for different sections of the dance and different formations and things like that [yes I do know this is brutal although I wasn't directly involved in the whole messy affair] and that is sort of what happened in J2 dance as well. Especially, when we first started out. You see, the idea for the dance was obtained from a video. And yes it was a male dance. And yes it requires a lot of technique. So naturally there are some people better in dancing, and there are some people better in technique, and we had to choose. Vernus, Xin Ying and I had to choose. Well mostly Vernus and I but we had to choose. And choose we did. I think there were some people who weren't satisfied. Like people who would ask us why they weren't chosen for the starting part. People who had things to offer but which we deemed unsuitable or other things like that. Or not wanting to mix up formations later and order of the jump out part which we had to slog through as well. But it was torturous. Yes we know this is THE J2 dance. It is our combined effort of showcase ourselves and bring forward our passion, to dream, to soar, to fly. But this is also the first time I am choreographing a dance for a major production [I'm not sure about Vernus]. Gym efforts are discounted here because they are mainly the whole group think together sort. And this is the time where I'm put in charge of an item. I organise sessions, drills, pushing people towards the goal and things like that. I do want things to be quite so perfect. No I do not believe that we are all perfect dancers. No I do not think that the dancers I have chosen would be the best choice. I just made the choice and I hope to get away with it. And yes, I do understand how everyone wants to play a part. It was rather difficult. But our dancers are nice and supportive and UNDERSTANDING. So while I learnt more about coping with pressures of expectations or other things the interaction with my dancers rather made me do that in a safe haven [I love you guys].
And then there are the other things as well. Learning more in class, learning more in handling things, learning more about the world in general. Classes. Well, I do admit that I have slept through quite a lot of my lessons this year [hopefully people can still agree with me that my grades do not really reflect all of that although they aren't exceptional]. But after this whole term thus far of not falling asleep, I believe it is rather a matter of strength of mind [Yes I admit that I used to dance 6 / 7 days a week and now 0 but I suppose I could tahan it if I really wanted]. So learning. Learning is a BIG part in JC life. Learning how the world works, learning more about your text material, learning how the macroeconomy works [think econs and how much it is related to our lives] and learning bascially. I don't know, what I valued the most in what I have learnt in class these two years is the inter-relatedness of our topics, and how applicable it is to our lives. [Oh dear I sound like an advert for Raffles Programme don't I?]
Well next topic. Dreams. [I happen to be discussing it a bit right now so I thought I'd mention it.] Do you have a dream? Something you have wished for since young and worked for all these years? I don't you know. Yes I may have had dreams, and though I would stick to them but no I'm a scardey cat as well. Afraid that I would dream too big. And end up disappointing myself when I fail. Which well, is hard to predict. People may have confidence in you but I don't have that much confidence in myself! As this friend of mine likes to say [to me and Zhu Hui], "You guys always underestimate yourself one." Oh well. That may have been true in that case but I wish it could be true all the time. And how you won't know if I were secretly hoping "Oh if only if only I can get A" and then I go "Die lahhh like cannot do all the questions and not enough time" and well "if only if only" is my no confidence in myself but it DOES spark a bit of hope that the A is reachable and that hope DIES when I don't manage it. So. I'm scared. Basically, for what my future holds for me. For whether things right now can remain steady. And things in the future can go smoothly. I'm scared of deciding right now what I want to do as a profession. I'm scared for how when I choose a scholarship I am in fact choosing what I will do for the next 10 years of my thus far rather short life [it's more than 50% you know! I'm not even 18 yettt]. I'm scared of choosing something I might not like in the future. The private / public, local / overseas, scholarship / stay in singapore [no I will not let my parents even THINK of paying for me, UK / US, which universities, what majors, specialised / broad-based, liberal arts? And I am thinking about it. I have been reflecting all this while and I am going through my options. But it is intimidating and it is daunting and it is stressful given how we currently are supposed to have started studying for prelims as well [and see I spend the whole night blogging] but I think it is worth it.
Ohhhh this soooo isn't doing me justice I have a lot more to speak of but I can't think right now [I think I switch off rather early] and I need my beauty sleep [see I sound bimbotic] especially after the physical exertion today [oh I'm growing old] and what's with my side comments! Good night :)
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