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zhi xu.
30/10/89
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Friday, March 16, 2007
The product of my musings when i get bored. Featured: Econs notes on static and dynamic efficiency. Well grace does glide on blistered feet. Very true, seeing my own blistered feet. Not only that. Grace thrives on cramping calves, broken backs, weary souls and falling grades.
Today was NOT a good day for me. I woke up about 5/6 times during the night [maybe not night because I went to bed past 12] because somehow my calf kept cramping. And it hurt so much that I always had to get up, stand up, stretch and shake my leg. Only after gritting my feet to even move my leg of course.
So much for dawning bright and sunny, isn't it?
And I can't complain. I'm still trying to stick to my resolution.
During dance. Major changes again. Well not as major as the previous two pracs. But new moves which test my limits. Sprain my back. And made me shan3 dao4 yao1 AGAIN.
It hurts and I can't complain. Because the week is over. I'm supposed to be well. Not being well means I have to see the doctor again. Which means physiotherapy. Which means most probably. Being coaxed/persuaded/forced to drop dance and/or gym. That isn't an option for me. Not when that means almost everything to me right now. And I'm still struggling to get my back to its previous flexibility when every move hurts.
Why should this happen to me now? When things are just so important? When I might be giving my last shot at everything? When I'm already struggling to dance and gym AND A's?
Someone told me about this before. That things just come. They don't wait. Just take things in your stride.
Well, I'm doing that. I'm still alive, still studying, still dancing, still gymming.
Just maybe not very happy with the way things are going.
But well. CTs ARE in a few days. And SYF IS in a few weeks. And preview is BEFORE SYF. And Dance Night IS nearing. And so does June CTs, gym comp [I have no idea how i'm going to do it], Prelims, and of course As.
No wonder the sky turned gloomy, overcast and cloudy. And it rained.
Sometimes I just don't understand why I actually try so hard. When I don't even know where I will go, what I will get. But that doesn't matter sometimes as well. The processes matter. But I think I'm missing out on a lot. Getting to caught up and involved in CCA neccessarily mean a lot of sacrifices. Not being able to do well in school is only one thing. Missing out on other friends is another.
I have no idea why I'm trying so hard for CTs really. Because they don't mean anything at all. They don't mean anything to anyone. And I think no one really expects a lot out of me for this CTs. Well, except for myself. Because this would mean whether I can cope with my life or not. Because this would mean whether I can dance in peace or not. Because this would mean so much to my morale just when things are going wrong. Because it would be something right when everything seems to be spiralling downwards. If I actually do well of course.
Miss Lee said yesterdae that we are all very stressed people. We just don't know it. Well... I don't think so. I do agree with the point that most of us are very stressed people. Well some more than others. But it depends on the tolerance level of everyone as well. Taking up the same commitments doesnt neccessarily mean that two people would be equally stressed. But. WE DO KNOW IT. I mean, we know we are stressed and we try to do something about it. But there's this limit to what we can do about it. Miss Lee's telling me that she wouldn't go for dance today if she were me didn't help. It just made things worse. Especially when things weren't already going well. I'm exhausted. Really very tired. Studying late into the night wouldn't help because I would simply fall asleep in front of all my notes in an extremely awkward and uncomfortable position. But going to sleep doesn't make sense. Because I still can't sleep. This eternal struggle to fall asleep at night when no one else's around spurns reflections which is doing nothing to help my moody self.
And this blog entry goes to show what a failure I am at keeping my resolution.
Anyway, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EClj-Os8VBo
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