Friday, September 07, 2007

And I had to point out there's this pink/purple/blue/green-ish smudge which was really really cool. And would look much much nicer if you saw how big it actually was in real life. Impressive.

Promise
by Jessica Sills

As you sit in silence,
Wondering why
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
Until your tears run dry.

When you've been hurt,
And can't believe what they've done
If you need someone to talk to
I'll be the one.

If a close friend hurts you,
And you don't understand
Remember I'm here,
I'll lend a helping hand.

Burdens are lighter when carried by two,
And I just want you to know
I'm here for you.

Haa nice? Things have changed so much haven't they? I don't know. Was suddenly
And then. [Change topic btw.] I don't know. I suppose I'm strong-willed, determined, will see things through. But I'm a scardeycat as well, rather pessimistic, and perfectionistic. Which can actually but both good or bad. reminded of the good old times today. I don't think you read this
The thing is, how much do I want to do. How far do I want to go? If I'm stressed now can I go another step further? If I need help now can I make it tomorrow? It's this thing about whether you want to push yourself. Like how top secondary school students could choose to go to polytechnics. It could be for the courses or it could be for the sake of less competition [I think we did this in yi4 lun4 wen2 before]. And it could be for a multitude of other reasons. Do I actually want the competition? Do I actually _want_ to see things through? And do I want to stick to the rat race all my life? I'm not sure you know. Like applying for unis. Do I actually want to go and compete for all the top unis and cause myself more stress? Do I? Or would I do just as well in Singapore, the comfort of home, familiarity. Yet I know what a good exposure it would be and a chance to (finally) grow up so I don't want to ditch all my chances as well. anymore. But. I wish it wasn't like that. Didn't end up like
But, must I be a high-flyer? Can't I just be someone normal? [Ahhhh I'm not saying that I'm a high-flyer arh...] that. Isn't like that. Oh I suppose I should feel bessed that
It's like standing at the top and fearing for you life all the time because you might fall down any time. Or you could just lie back and relax along the slope of the gentle hill, right at the bottom. Or at a resting 'kiosk' mid-hill. Different choices, different lifestyles. I choose. And, like, now. It's probably not good for my prelims that I'm having doubts right now but I can't stop myself. Ahhh...
it isn't worse but giving up something for another never is nice.
Ohhh this really sounds like I think very highly of myself :S
Never will be probably. And it wasn't really giving up
It's this thing about me I think. Which I find quite scary. That everything I do I must do my best. I don't necessarily have to be the best [haha that would be a welcome bonus though] but I must put in my best effort. because I suppose you can say it's still there. It's still present but I don't
So... I dance hard. And in the meantime I study hard. It's this thing about how people give themselves a break. Take things off their plate so that they can handle them one at a time. Like giving up on CT1 to focus on training. Or simply giving up on lecture tests because they aren't really that important, to focus on other things. know. I don't think it's the same.
I don't know how it will be
Like how many of my classmates treat H3 math tests as simple assessments and don't really bother to study for them. But no matter how busy I am, I will make time. I will squeeze out extra hours and put in extra effort. Because I need to do my best in everything I attempt. It's like why do I have to take something off my plate when I could simple stack and balance stuff higher and higher? And in the meantime my plate would enlarge in size [think actual growth versus potential growth]. The question now is how long I can actually survive like that. the same. I really really wish I could turn back
The question is also why am I like that, is it good for me. in time to tweak something but I can't. And I don't want to as well. For a very different
Yet another question would be how do I prevent myself from doing that?
reason. One which was probably what catalysed the
It's the compulsion which I find rather unhealthy actually. So what do I do now?
very thing. Ahhh, and it probably wouldn't do for it to be the same, you
Ahhh something without an answer. know. I don't know. And it seems all so insignificant to me right now. Riding the waves of trouble, miscommunication,
Ok another thing. Returning to society what you have gained. When you want to return to society what you have gained, you are thinking of repaying, of benefiting those you have benefited from. And now that I think of it. It strikes me, how foolish I am. misunderstanding and spates of quarrels. When we talked about future
Whenever I think of that, I will think, start small. I don't have to make a different to everybody on earth. Removing the problem of poverty would definitely be good. But can I do that? Probably not. I will not say no, although I think relative poverty would definitely always exist, but for me probably not. So I will think I start small. Let's say the people in a small community. In Singapore for instance. Simple things like targetting and solving one single problem. It would make a difference. I wouldn't be the world's largest philanthrophist but I'm putting in effort and doing something about some problem. and remaining friends. When we talked about I don't know, everything under the sun? When
Then it hits me. How blind I am. To think about reaching to those around me. When I express impatience at those closest to me. That before I look at the world, before I look at Singapore, before I look at a specific community in Singapore, I should probably look at those I have direct contact with. And make a difference to them.
it was ok for me to lose my temper to you and you would help me
That changes my perspective a lot. I hope it would make a difference. I find that the problem is simply because these people are too close to you that you will end up missing them out. That you will end up taking them for granted. That you will start finding their problems irritating after they don't go away. I'm probably a rather impatient person. But their problems affect you so much you probably wish more than them for it to go away.
get over it. When it was ok to point out that I was taking you for granted,
But I must do something about it. And change that.
for standing by my side even if I let it out at you. I want to know what is
And then. Memories. I think there are some memories I would never like to think about. Some things I wished never happened. Some thoughts I wish I never entertained at all. But now that I think of it. I find it scary how I thought some of those things. And maybe I might think that again. How. I'm rather frightened for that.
it you don't understand. Like I don't know why but suddenly it has
Frozen memories are these unhealthy memories that stick with you because you bury them down and not resolve them properly in the first place. So... Resolve them and they will probably not cause so much problems in the future. The problem is what exactly are these frozen memories and how to resolve them and not be frightened of them, isn't it?
become very pressing for me to know. When I can't even type a letter
Ahhh, and lastly, communication I think. How I relate to people. I believe that it's this measure of comfort thing. How comfortable you feel with someone to actually tell that person something. So usually will hide some things from everyone.
without much hesitation. I don't know how to continue. So I shall just
Then if you actually get comfortable enough to lose your temper at someone you are actually not being nice to that person you know. Ahhh you know, haha I know as well but I'm not sure what to do. Because for me it's like that lah. Then when the person tells you you lose that measure of comfort again. Perplexing isn't it? Not really sure oh well.
stop here. Not reassuring but yes. You are either really smart or really
Ahhh all the questions have no answer so I still don't know what to do about them :S bored to read this. But for most you don't understand so don't guess.